Why do zodiac readings always tell you what a good person you are?

Even when such readings point out your atrocious personality traits, they tend to phrase it in a much, much nicer way. For example, if you are a self-centred asshole who has no regards for other people’s opinion, zodiac readings will say that you have a mind of your own and are not easily influenced by other people.

Are the people who write zodiac readings juz after the readership? If so, shouldn’t zodiac readings be mean, sarcastic and yet truthful? At the very least, you will capture attention. Good or bad, doesn’t matter.

As such, I decided to post an entry on zodiac signs: characteristics, habits, lifestyle, possible choice of career, etc. Do note that this post is entirely fictional and based on my own screwed up imagination. It does not necessary mean you ARE what is written. Although you could be.

p.s. Those of you who think I am writing about you, maybe I really am. Maybe not.


Capricorn

You are totally sex-crazed and can be a total asshole at times. If you are a guy, you ejaculate onto your partner’s face during sex so as not to dirty your floor or curtains. What a bastard. But you are extremely creative so you may well come up with different versions of the kharma sutra for different races / religions / colour / sizes.

Your friends tell you that you are funny and charming but actually they think you’re a scum/bitch.

Possible career choice : Pimp. Sex author.


Aquarius

You are self-centred and takes too much pity on yourself, which you don’t deserve. Aquarians tend to be very creative and likes adventure. If you are an Aquarian, you must have had sex in the car with the windows down, given/received blow jobs in the toilets of restaurants, slept with your best friend’s husband/wife or enjoyed orgies.

You are a whore and you know it.

Consider pole dancing or being an escort for a career. You will do well and be fuggin’ rich.


Pisces

You are extremely lazy and only want to do sit in front of the TV and smoke pot the whole day. Even when you want to f*ck, your partner must get on top of you without blocking the TV. The most you have moved is your tongue when kissing, which is already considered a lot of work.

Most people from this zodiac sign die from rotting.

Career: Try reality TV – the laziest person in the world. You may beat the others of your kind.


Aries

Huge ego, self-opinionated and arrogant. Yes, that’s what you are. You think too highly of yourself but in actual fact, you are a dumb ass. You know shit about nothing but you pretend that you do. You think of yourself as the best lay in the world although your partner does not agree. You also have a high libido and likes to have a lot of sex even though your partner may already be swelling from all the non-stop sex. F*cker.

You should be a prostitute whether you’re a guy or a girl. Doesn’t matter cos most Arieans are murdered.


Taurus

The most hardworking of the whole lot. But stupidly so. You are constantly being short-changed but do not know it. You work your whole life away just to come home and realize that your wife/husband is sleeping with your boss. You solve problems at work but your boss/colleagues claim(s) the credit.

If you don’t get a life soon, you should juz die.

Career options including washing cars, construction worker and rubbish collector.


Gemini

Two-headed snakes. If you’re a guy, you sleep with your girlfriend's mother. If you’re a girl, you’ve given blow jobs to your partner’s grandfather(s). Geminis are extremely crafty and thrive on incest.

You think you get a lot of respect from other people but your friends think you’re a pretentious and hypocritical bastard/whore.

Geminis are usually lawyers, accountants or mother/father-f*ckers.

Cancer

Cancerians are the most timid of the lot. Most Cancerians fear the dark and sleep with their mother on the same bed until they get married.

You are a total wuss and have no control over your life. You don’t even stand up for yourself when a kid spits on your face. Which also means that you have absolutely no dignity.

Cancerians are better off dead.

P.s. Cancerians usually commit suicide.


Leo

You are pig-headed and always too smart for your own good. Also known as smart alecks. Most Leos strive to be leaders so they don’t mind unscrupulous or under-the-table transactions to get what they want. But Leos are known to give good oral sex to make up for their lack of equipped body parts.

Leos are not good in managing their lives and end up screwing themselves. Generally, 98% of Leos will end up in mental institutions. The other 2% escape from mental institutions.

Good career options include bus drivers, hawkers or telephone operator.


Virgo

Extremely critical and expects too much from other people. You think too highly of yourself and want a lot of attention. To the extent of crying or stripping in public. Most Virgos have small brains and so, are very stupid. But Virgos enjoy acting smart not knowing they appear more stupid than they really are.

Virgos also have high libido and think of sex almost every minute of the day. They are likely to have affairs with colleagues and bosses.

Possible career options: Stripper

Libra

All Librarians are retards. If you are a Librarian and can still understand this message, you must have had a brain transplant before. Otherwise, you’re just pretending that you can understand.

Most Librarians die from drowning either in the bath tub or fish tank.

Possible career option: None


Scorpio

You are an utter loser although you choose to deny it. You crack lame jokes in an attempt to make yourself more popular and spice up your own life. Scorpios are extremely stingy and refuse to pay for sex. Therefore, you f*ck your own teddy bear (or the other way round, if you’re a girl).

Most Scorpios are either ugly or gay, or both.

Career options include bus conductor, ushers, pimps.


Sagittarius

You think of yourself as Aunt Agony and always want to lend a listening ear. In actual fact, you’re a real gossip and go around spreading the secrets that your friend told you in confidence.

You like to make the most out of your money and is well-known for getting good bargains. But you also go to the extent of cheating on your friends and loved ones. A total asshole.

Consider a help hotline as a career.

So, which zodiac sign do you belong to?

The thing with kids nowadays

I almost exploded with anger last night. My tuition session with my primary six student almost drove me crazy. Her PSLE exams are approaching in another two weeks but she is totally unprepared. Apart from being lazy and restless, she is extremely playful and doesn’t seem to care at all about her studies. I understand kids tend to be mischievous and homework and exams are the last things on their mind. At the very least, studies are still on their mind. For this student of mine, this is not so. Her studies are nowhere near her head.

Ever since she started taking tuition from me, not once has she completed her homework thoroughly. She doesn’t bother to think through the questions or attempt to solve the difficulties that she faced. The standard of her English, I’m sorry to say, is appalling. Let me illustrate with this exercise that she had to complete.

Me : This advertisement is about the different promotions in the restaurant. There are many main courses a diner can choose from, including seafood, beef, mutton, pork and venison.

Student : *blank look*

Me : …..

Me : What animal does beef come from?

Student : *pretended to think very hard* I don’t know. Hee hee.

Me : Beef comes from cow.

Me : Where does mutton come from?

Student : *really thinking very hard* ….. *blank look*

Me : *getting a little exasperated* mutton comes from goat.

Student : *very blank look*

Me : ??? You know what’s a goat?

Student: ya zi? (duck in mandarin)

Me : *what the fug!* NO. It’s “yang” (goat in mandarin). You’re a primary six student! How can you not know what a goat is?!

Student : Hee hee. *Plays with her pen*

I so felt like slapping her in the face.

But I calmed myself down and made up excuses on her behalf. “She came from a pretty traditional, mandarin speaking family. No one helps her with her English since young. Can’t really blame her.”

After I cooled down, I spoke to her nicely and in an attempt to motivate her, I thought I can get her a nice little present if she worked really hard for the coming exams.

Me : Is there something that you want very much but your parents wouldn’t give to you?

Student : *mumbled something*

Me : What?

Student : Handphone lor.

At that point in time, I almost imploded.

What the hell is with kids nowadays? A mobile phone for a twelve year old kid?! You gotta be shitting me!

Me : You are way too young to own a hand phone.

Student : Now primary two students also got hand phone.

Me : *what the …. ?!*

Me : Can you afford to pay for the phone and your bill?

Student : Got phones that are free. Starhub give free phones. Then SMS is very cheap wat. Oni 5 cents.

She doesn’t know what a goat is, but she knows what Starhub is.

Me : And where are you going to get the money to pay for your smses?

Student : Save lor.

Me : Save from your allowances? Who gives you your allowances?

Student : My father.

Me : So you take money from your father every day, and you want to use this money to pay for your phone bill? What have you done for your father or your mother to deserve this?

Student : *shrugs. Plays with her pen*

Thereafter, I spent half an hour after our official tuition session yelling at her, trying to knock sense into her head.

Kids nowadays are way, way too pampered since young. I do not blame parents for doting on their children but spoiling them with material wants only means more trouble resulting from more burnt holes in the pocket.

Already, many from my generation do not understand the value of money. Most of my friends spend a huge chunk of their earnings on branded goods, posh restaurants, expensive hairdos and not to mention over-priced spa getaways. There is nothing wrong with spoiling yourself now and then. But what is the percentage of allowance that you give to your parents compared to the luxurious life you’re leading? Some of my friends cannot even bear to give a tiny portion of their earnings to their parents who gave them what they have now. Their excuse? “Oh, my parents have enough money.” “I don’t have enough for myself as it is!” “But I want to travel every year!”

Of course, I do also have friends (like Barney) who love their parents to bits and are willing to spend less so that their parents can spend more. But sad to say, the number of such friends is diminishing.

From the way I see it, the situation is going to get much worse. Not sure about other races, but the Chinese do not seem to teach their young on our Chinese values anymore. In the Chinese culture, filial piety is ranked the first of all the virtues. How much of this message is being conveyed to the children of the 90s? I do not know. You may ask “why is filial piety important?” When children feel for their parents, they will be in a better position to put themselves in their parents’ shoes and understand the pain and effort parents have to go through to bring them up. Knowing that your parents’ money is hard-earned money, means you will have second thoughts about fulfilling your material wants. Which in turn, will make you understand the value of money.

Anyway, the conversation with my student ended like this:

Me : Do you love your parents?

Student : *shrugs*

Me : You mean you don’t know if you love your father or your mom?

Student : *shrugs*

At this point, she could no longer play with her pen because an exasperated me, had snatched it away from her.

Me : Will you feel sad if your dad or mom leave you?

Student : *shrugs*

I bet she was only thinking about her mobile phone, which sad to say, her mom has promised to get her, once her exams are over.

Too little alcohol ...

A good friend of mine, Pinky*, decided to walk down the red carpet with a goofy man that she met a few years ago. To “celebrate” her loss of singlehood, a few of us girls decided to bring her on a night out to have lotsa fun so that it will stay as a wonderful memory for her. Being the one who is most free in the office these days, I picked up the role of the main co-ordinator and liaison person. This was juz as well; i could get back at her for the embarrassment that she put me through, a week ago, for my birthday celebration.

*evil laughter in the background*

Dinner

Dinner was great. We went to a nice French restaurant where the chef (aka Naked Chef) is the sex partner, I mean boyfriend, of one of our girls, Pixie*.

PR time: Naked chef appeared on the Business Times for being such a fantastic chef with good looks. Hee …

Anyway, we were spoiled with oysters, beef cheeks, goose livers, seafood pasta, champagne, white wine and not forgetting the oh-so-delicious-yet-so-sinful mudpie. Of course I only had the pasta and the mudpie since I don't eat beef, or any part of the cow. And I don't eat oysters either. Due to time constraints resulting from bad time management, Pixie and I had to finish our food really quickly so that we can proceed to her place to meet up with the stripper first. To digress a little, most of you reading this will probably think I was late for dinner causing the entire program to be delayed. Well, this time, it wasn’t me. And for once, I was the first one there and was 10 mins early!

*applause in the background (all mine)*

All the rest of the girls were more than half hour late though. Damn.

The Meet Up

The stripper arrived at Pixie’s place before I did and I had him waiting at the lift lobby. I had such a shock when the lift door opened.

You see, last year, I was also at a hen party but in a hotel celebrating one of my girlfriends marrying a Korean. Actually, I was mourning for her choice, but never mind…. Anyway, we got a stripper from a certain agency. When he came out from the dressing room, we were all shocked. He was shorter than me (bear in mind, I don’t have much height), and he looked like he was sixteen. Throughout the show, he didn’t dance much and mainly try to “seduce” us girls by swaying his butt in front of our face. Which goes to show he obviously doesn’t know women. BUT, he did have a fantastic body – a boyish face, six-pack and a really, really tight arse. In spite of all this, the show was so lame that when I was searching for a stripper for Pinky’s party, I made sure no one had tried calling the same agency.

So you can imagine my shock, when I saw the same stripper, standing at the lift lobby.

Except this time, he no longer had a boyish face. In fact, he looked like he’s the very much older brother of the little stripper we had the other time.

“Kaoz, how can it be possible?! He can’t possible work for ALL the agencies in Singapore, can he?!”

Well, maybe he can. Anyway, I had him get ready in the room and I was still toying with the thought that this COULD be the elder brother, and he COULD be a lot more entertaining …. Blah blah blah … When the show started, I knew it was the same guy cos he was wearing the same silver pants, same white t-shirt and he had the same mask on his face. I juz don’t get how he had managed to age so much in a year. Oh, and the six-pack was missing.

But this time, he did try to do a bit more dance and despite the high humidity in the room (which got him really sweaty), he kept on smiling and kept up with the dance. Pinky was a real sport though. She tried to keep up with the atmosphere and did the challenges that we had in line for her. Like biting the mashmellows out of the stripper’s briefs without using her hands. Boy, I wouldn’t have done it. He was really sweating by then. But Pinky kept on going …..

“Oei, you got bathe one or not?!”

“You don’t keep shaking your butt lah! Very difficult for me to eat the mash mellow leh!”

“wah lau eh …… *shudders*”

And erm, she was obviously yelling when she made those remarks.

Wanna spank me?

After leaving Pixie’s place, Pinky had to fulfill one challenge before we set off for the club. Juz so you know, we made her a red sash (thanks to water lily) from a table cloth. And we printed a couple of “tags” to be clipped on to the sash.

“Wanna spank me?”

“Come spank me, darling!”

So, the challenge for Pinky was to “go around and ask for the spanks that you well deserved.”

And she did.

And it was fun and hilarious. For the rest of us.

More spanking coming up ….

We proceeded on to the Nun Bar (Pinky likes it there) and after some shots of tequila, she was called to go on stage. The DJs seemed very keen to spank her. I was keen too; you should have seen the way she sluttily perked up her ass while leaning forward slightly. Goofy is such a lucky man =)

But unluckily for Pinky, instead of calling up a gorgeous guy (whom may well be the last sex she’ll ever have), the DJs called up a man, almost twice her height, thrice her size. His spank was ….. loud and right on the jack pot. Pinky came off the stage looking a little shaken.

The lap dance

Pinky was challenged to give a lap dance to any guy that she wanted. She picked a Caucasian twice her height (what’s with her and tall guys?). When we wanted him to sit down while she danced, he immediately sat down, on the dance floor. If there was a stampede, he would have been stomped to death.

I think Pinky enjoyed the dance as much as he did. Hee …. Partly also because he was good looking. Sssh … don’t tell goofy.

It’s all about rubber and whipped cream

“Find two guys, have them each blow up a condom. Smear the condoms with whipped cream and licked it off together.”

Pinky managed to con only one guy into doing this though. She might have gotten two if she had more boobs. It was my fault really; I should have reminded her to wear her super push-ups.

Too much alcohol

So you can imagine it was tequila, tequila and tequila the whole night. All in shots. Being such a lousy drinker, I would have knocked out before midnight. But I am a responsible and considerate person (ahem!), so I decided that I can’t drink and drive (also because it’s a Friday night, and the traffics cops are all ready to rob me of my license if I’m caught drink-driving). So for every shot that I had, 90% of it went behind my shoulder. Too bad for the poor fellow behind me though.

So it really was too little alcohol for me.

Anyway, Pinky was drinking really a lot due to the many toasts though she did manage to remain sober. Later in the night, came a flaming Lamborghini and after downing it, Pinky disappeared for a while. But we kept on dancing :P

It was until I saw Pinky heading for the direction of the washroom that I followed her.

“Pinky can’t be drunk, she holds her drink really well!”

That was what I thought, until I saw her putting her head into the trash bin. Out came an odour so strong that I wanted to run out juz so I can breathe. After all, she had other girls with her then. But I didn’t. I stayed on, juz to give her some …. well … moral support?

Anyway, being totally knocked out, Pinky had to be dragged into the car and water Lily was entrusted with the task of sending her home. Meanwhile, Vanilla*,one of my best friends, who came to join the party, also got herself drunk.

Oh man, another drunkard.

*All names have been changed to protect the identities of the peoples listed here.

The "7" Thingy ...

I wanted to blog about some really exciting events, involving an all-girls party, stripping, alcohol and spanking. But due to a request made by Barney, and since I do love talking about myself, I shall complete the following uninteresting questionnaire.


7 Things That Scare Me

1) Lizards and those in their family

I don't care if they have a smiley look. I don't care if they wipe out the mozzies in my home. I don't care that they are actually cleaner than cockroaches. They are just freakin' gross, can?

2) Zombies

After watching "Dawn of the Dead". Man, those things can run!

3) My mom walking in on me when I'm making out with a guy. Who is not my boyfriend.

4) My dog dying on me

He's like a son to me, except that he is more much obedient, doesn't wail or make noise when he doesn't get his way and is always happy to see me.

5) Reach home to find that my mom has forgotten to turn off the stove (again) and my home is burnt down. With my dog.

6) Running into a public toilet with an excruciating stomach pain and after finally letting go then realise there is no toilet paper.

7) Get into a freak car accident and survive long enough to realise what is happening and see my entire life flash before me before my neck snaps.


7 Things That I Like Most

1) The smell of rain

2) Watching re-runs of F.R.I.E.N.D.S

3) Foreplay

And what follows after that. heh ....

4) Winning Toto

Although I've never really won before.

5) Smoking

Cigarettes. Not pot.

6) Horror Movies

7) Bathing

7 Important Things In My Room

1) Me

2) My comfy bed

3) My supply of rubber.

4) My doggy

5) The air-conditioner

6) The mirror

7) Me again.

7 Random Facts About Me

1) I wore my first bra when I was twelve.

2) I love dogs and dolphins

3) I like sinful food.

4) I like to walk around the house naked when it's empty

5) I think being a vampire is really cool.

6) I think most of my friends are morons.

That's why hanging out with them makes me feel better about myself.

7) I am not very bright.

7 Things I Plan To Do Before I die

1) Have children

2) Visit Athens

3) Be a man for a day.

I know it's impossible, but I can keep on wishing, can't I?

4) Have many, many, many multiple orgasms (wohoo!)

5) Buy an island and name it after myself

6) Make sure the people whom I love, know that I love 'em.

7) Fulfil my secret sexual fantasy

7 Things You Can do

1) Lie Down...

2) Dance like a maniac

3) Cook

4) Watch a horror movie alone

5) Act really innocent.

Which is not hard, cos I really am. *innocent look*

6) Lie with a straight face

7) Sin

7 Things You Can’t do

1) Watch "Faces of Death"

2) Witness animal cruelty

3) Be punctual

4) Stop biting my nails

5) Sing. Or sing well, for that matter.

6) Kill myself.

I am just too afraid of dying.

7) Stop smoking.

7 People, or animals, I’ll Love To See Doing this

1) Michael Jackson

2) Snoopy

3) A hamster

4) A stripper

5) Bill Gates

6) Godzilla

7) God

Dance Away....

1) Dinner at Kenny Rogers

Nice chicken. Nice mashed potatoes. Nice macroni & cheese. All free =)

Farnie incident: LX pretending that he's a blind superstar, with his half-closed eyes and invisible guitar.

Unfortunate event: P** mumbling stupid things that caused me to choke on the water I was drinking while trying to swallow panadol. I would have knocked his balls out but since he was the one who paid for my dinner, I decided to forgive him.

2) Bar Nun

Anyway, proceeded to the Bar Nun and spent the nite dancing and drinking away with my friends.

Embarrassing incident: The band called for all the people who were celebrating their birthday to go on stage. At that time, I was feeling fortunate that I was hanging out with Roy, Joe and Mira, so Cheryl couldn't sabotage me. Obviously, I underestimated Cheryl. She came looking for me (how could she see me? It was dark in there!) and dragged me to the stage.

So there I was, on the stage, with two other girls (the blonde and the stripper-lookalike) and this chubby guy (four-eyed). DJ requested four-eyed to do a full monty and luckily for him, the girls were supposed to do it for him (fug). As the music began, stripper-lookalike and blonde were all over four-eyed. I thot for a while that I muz have actually looked quite stupid standing there like an idiot. So i gotta join in. But stripper-lookalike was occupying all the space (yeah, she's not that slim). But I managed to join in the "fun" and unbutton four-eyed's shirt (arrgghhh) and I actually saw a bruise right in the center of his bulging, white stomach. (DJ: This man's got a hickey down there! *point excitedly*) Don't ask me how he got it. I don't know. And don't want to know.

As the music played on, stripper-lookalike unzipped four-eyed's pants. Yes, she might have given him a blow job there and then. But she didn't. *disappointed* Anyway, I had a very mild shock followed by disgust when stripper-lookalike pulled down four-eyed pants a little.

He was wearing a g-string.

Ewwww ......

Have you seen a chicken in a g-string? Picture it.

Regrets : When I was on stage, I was signalling to Cheryl how I would make her pay for her oncoming hen nite for what she did. This guy off stage thought I was signaling to him and proceeded to wave at me. I know he sounds dorky but hey, he's cute. Man, I wished I had gone to flirt with him. But he had a girl beside him. Damn.

Crushed: You know, I've always had a fantasy of dancing on stage. That I would, one day, dance exotically on stage and blow everyone over.

Dancing with four-eyed on stage is so NOT my fantasy. To make things worse, I wasn't drunk enough so I was feeling very awkward. Yeap, my fantasy is ruined. Fug.

Nottie Incident: Cheryl and gang tried to get me drunk with alcohol and the last drink was a shot of tequilla. I "accidentally" spilled half of the shot (when nobody's looking, of course) and proceeded to "bottoms up". hahah .... I am so smart. And fyi, Cheryl doesn't read this blog. (muahahahhaah). I hope Green Orgre won't play me out though.

3) Flowers

I received a flower basket with chocolates and a teddy bear from my friends.





From Daphne, Joyce, Moses, Zhanwen and Joe.


Aren't tulips nice? Rocher(s) are such wonderful items to be sent with flowers =)

One day after my birthday, I received a bouquet of lilies. It was the most gorgeous bouquet of flowers I have ever received. Took a few photos but I am still unable to upload to my laptop who decided to fall sick at this time. So for the time being, just use your imagination.

p.s. please don't be too jealous. It has been a good two years since I last received flowers.

Take care of yourselves, ladies

I was surfing the net looking for male strippers online and I came across this website - http://stripper-faq.org. What sparked off as a mere curiosity (on how to be a stripper) ended with some enlightenment on women's safety. The writer was an exotic dancer in some club in the U.S. and she was giving tips on the Do's and Don'ts of being a professional stripper. When it came to the section on "Safety", she mentioned this:

The six dumbest words that can leave a woman's mouth are "I can take care of myself".

She said this because there is no way a girl can outbeat a guy given the unequal strength that each gender possesses. A grown man will most likely be able to knock a woman unconscious with a punch. And while it's good to want to "take care of yourself", a girl who bears such a thought will undermine danger and invite unwanted attention.

The twist in her safety's advise is NOT to carry weapons or take self-defence classes. Her rationale? "The most effective way to survive is to be scared; anything that makes you brave makes you more likely to walk into a dangerous situation. "

Isn't this so true? Having taken kick-boxing lessons before, I often visualise how I would demonstrate Jet Li's "no-shadow kick" when faced with an attacker (not that kick-boxing teaches this but well, it's juz one of my fantasies). But the truth is, I would probably be scared shitless if I'm about to be attacked and my limbs will be too shocked to react.

In addition, if you want to carry a gun, you ought to be comfortable with the idea of killing someone. If not, don't bother at all. It sounds kinda twisted, but hey, it makes a lot of sense to me. For a start, most girls have too much trash in their purses or handbags that it makes searching for the gun a chore. You may as well juz use your hand and point it like a gun, which hopefully the attacker might get freaked, that you're actually a freak. Secondly, unless girls are so fuggin' angry (e.g. the attacker laughed at how small her breasts are), they wouldn't dare to pull the trigger at someone.

I know the last paragraph doesn't apply to us living in Singapore. Carrying a gun is illegal and i think most of us gotta admit, safety is being taken for granted. Just because our streets are mostly brightly lit and we have 24-hour coffeeshops all over the place doesn't mean that you will not be a target for crime. So I brain-stormed and thought of some ways to ward off attackers:

1) When you're on your way home alone at night, start talking to yourself the minute you get off the cab. Squeak or growl occassionally. If you're not carrying too much things, fling your hands about (be careful not to hit the ah-mah or ah-gong who may be nearby). If you're in the mood, pretend that you're an aeroplane or a kangaroo. I doubt most attackers want to attack crazy women.

2) Wet your hair (if you can) and throw all your hair in front of your face so that you'll look like the creepy girl from The Ring. To make this act more realistic, you can proceed to crawl towards the lift or stairs and crawl all the way home. Let's face it: No matter how desperate a male is, he wouldn't want to screw the pissed off girl who had been trapped in a well for god knows how many years.

3) Wear many layers of clothes so that you look like a "bak-chang" (dumpling). Attackers hate wasting time and they wouldn't want to have to peel you like an onion.

4) Start preaching about your religion once you see anyone nearby. You can talk about God, Allah, Goddess of Mercy, the monkey God, or even Mother Nature (if you're a Wiccan). I don't know why, but it seems that most people like to avoid preachers.

5) Do not shave your armpits (and down there) so that you smell really bad. So bad that even plants die and rats cry when you are nearby. But this may backfire if the attacker smells really bad himself and is attracted to your "scent".

6) Carry a cross or a plum wood sword and muttered "chants" so that you can pretend to be exorcising evil spirits. The supernatural is something that most people don't want to come into contact with.

7) One of the most effective methods: Dash all the way home once you get off your transport. Without looking back. And without stopping. Take the stairs even if you live on the 23rd floor. Just make sure you do not stop. To aid yourself in the running, you can try not peeing 3 hours before hand so that by the time you get home, your bladder is almost bursting and you'll have no choice but to run. And chances are, you may outrun your attacker. Worse come to worse, if you're still caught by an attacker, you can pee in his presence and try to smear his face with your pee. It's gross, I know. But weigh your priorities: chastity or hygiene?

It's now 2.05am. I have been blogging late into the nights and getting so fuggin' little sleep that I now look like a bloody zombie. I think this alone,may be able to scare off potential attackers.

Take care of yourself, ladies. And goodnight.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

1) I was actually kidding about sending flowers and all. So there is actually no need to send me anything. A nice sms wishing me everlasting health, weath and beauty would be good enough =)

2) Ok, this is very, very important. I'm holding a hen party for a bride-to-be, and I'm in need of a MALE STRIPPER.

The hen party consist of a group of 7 to 12 girls and most of them have not seen a male stripper before. Expect a lot of gigglings and touching. Most of them are straight eligible gals. The stripper can proceed to hit on anyone after the show, me included (except the bride-to-be), *wide grin*

Our budget ranges from $280 to $380 for a half hour performance. It is preferable that you bring your own props, like stereo, selected CDs, cowboy hats, chains, strawberries, etc. We can provide chairs and electricity for you.

Our requirements:

Guy, preferably height at 1.7m and above.
- No beer belly. But a six-pack on yourself would be great :P
- Tight butt. The kind that girls would go crazy for.
- Free on the 16th Sept between 10.00pm to 11.00pm.
- Can dance and put up a performance. You need to be able to entertain.
- Must not be ugly or worse, fugly. (Barn*y: If you're reading this, you know you are out.)
- Preferably single, so that we can hit on you if you are gorgeous.
- Located in Singapore.

If there is anyone you know who is dying to flash themselves or does this for a living, pls leave your contact number or email address on the comments page. Most of the terms are negotiable. Reply by 12th Sept. And if you want me to audition you, I would be very happy to :)

p.s. The budget we have is for someone who would strip down to nothing. If you are willing to strip down to only your G-string, note that the money would be reduced by at least 50%. Sorry, but this is a realistic world. Unless of course, you have something else to offer ....... *lifts an eyebrow*

p.p.s If you're willing to trade (like doing it for free, but wants to see some boobies in return), please also let me know. I could ask the girls if they're interested. But you must fulfil all the criteria as stated above and must be good looking. Do remember that if you're REALLY goooood, we would be willing to tuck dollar notes into your oh-so-sexy G-string.

If you know of no such person, do me a BIG, BIG favour and help me spread this through your blogs, okie?

Thank you so muchie!

I am sitting at a colleague's table as I am typing this. My PC, at work, is on the verge of a nervous breakdown so they decided to send in the IT guy. This guy will give my PC a new left brain (RAM) and hopefully it will keep my PC alive. Or at least in working condition. The best part about this: I am pretending to work, by typing furiously on the keyboard of this PC at the corner of the room. Which means I don't actually have to work. But i'm really sleepy though. I think Im gonna fake illness so that I can go home early to sleep. *yawn*

TRICKS TO EMPLOY WHEN YOU ARE CAUGHT CHEATING ON YOUR PARTNER/SPOUSE

1) Denial

Never admit that you are cheating or have cheated on him/her. Never. If your partner truly cares for you, even if you are caught in bed with her sister/his brother, there would still be a teeny weeny part in that person to want to believe that you did not betray his/her trust. Come up with a reason (you muz stress that it's a reason, cos excuse would juz mean u're guilty) no matter how lame.

Examples:

"Your sister said that she is better than you on bed. I'm sorry, darling, but I juz have to prove to her that she can never, ever replace you."

"I've been day-dreaming the whole day of giving you a fantastic blowjob, so I didn't even realise it was your bro when I stumbled into your room."

or

"I've been yearning to blow you for the entire day that I didn't even realise I walked into the wrong room."

Generally, the male species tend to soften when they realised they're getting some heads.

"The lights were off. I didn't know .... " *puppy look*


2) Distraction

Do whatever you can to get his/her attention off this subject. You can pretend to faint, go into a seizure, start biting your toes (or his/her toes), submerge your head into the fish tank, eat the hamsters (alive), talk to the soft toys, etc. If you're utterly stupid, you can say .... "Look, it's a plane!" Make sure you're pointing out of the window. On the other hand, if you say this and point to your breasts/dick, it might work as well.

This will work only if you really can act.

Word of caution: Do not laugh when you're doing this. You may blow your cover. Or get yourself killed if you happened to put your head into a fish tank or toilet bowl. Which in this case, you obviously deserve to die for being so damn bloody stupid.

3) Turn the table around

Now, if your partner is smart enough, he/she won't fall for any of the above. You're gonna need to out-wit him/her to make it seem like it's his/her fault.

Examples include:

"I have told you a thousand times to change the light! You know I can't see clearly with this light! Are you happy now that I actually had sex with someone else because of this?!" Storm out.

"You mean you would rather trust the words of your best friend since pre-school, that he/she actually saw me kissing the jerk/slut you hate from work?! I can't believe you don't trust me!" Storm out.

"Do you realise that if you had paid more attention to my breasts/butt/penis, this wouldn't have happened?!" Storm out.

Yell when using the above lines.

4) Always remember your lies

Now, most people make the mistake of lying to cover another lie but due to the massive number of lies told, they don't remember what they had lied about. If you had insisted that your new mobile phone with a hello kitty chain was bought by your dying grand aunt, make sure that you remember this. A grave mistake would be to actually tell your partner after a few months that it was your dying next door neighbour who, doted on you so much that he bought it for you.

If you're clever enough, you may make use the theory of half-truths to shield yourself from future potential sticky situations.

Example:

"oh, my cousin bought me this soft toy from Australia." Full-stop.

Yeap, you got the toy from Australia. But it's not from your cousin.

So if you were ever asked the same question a few months down the road, you can say ..."Did I say cousin? haha ... I meant my old college mate. He/she's like family to me." Cross your fingers and hope for the best. Avoid eye contact.

5) Cry

It doesn't matter whether he/she thinks you are guilty. Just cry. Then say, ".... *snif sniff* .... I can't talk right now .... " Run out in a very dramatic manner.

6) Fake an illness

Say that you were born with a disease since young - that you must have sex with someone during certain times of the day. Come up with a really difficult-to-pronounce word (which doesn't exist in dictionaries) to describe the disease. Like, "scinezophobia" or "profilodemia". Up to you how you want to pronounce it.

7) Do not say this, "He/She meant nothing to me."

Since you're already an arsehole/slut by cheating, be a smart one. Why the hell would you want to sleep with someone who meant nothing to you? Obviously, you slept with that person becos he's more gorgeous/she's more sexy/he's got an 8-inch/she blows better than your vacuum cleaner (with less noise) etc, etc. So that meant something. Don't disgrace your brain by employing this ancient line, which was not even created by you in the first place.

Last note: The above suggestions are meant for use only if you truly care for or love your partner, ie. you do not want to lose him/her. If you don't, do them a favour and redeem more good kharma for yourself - end the relationship. They deserve better than scums/whores like you.

Disclaimer: All materials in this post are meant for leisure reading only. The writer will not be held responsible if the ideas do not actually work.

MAKE ME HAPPY

My birthday is approaching soon. Although I get depressed seeing how I age every year, I still look forward to receiving presents. In fact, this is the only thing that would cheer me up. *ahem*

Juz to let you know, this year, due to my sudden upsurge in liabilities, I can no longer afford to keep myself happy with little wants that are a little out of my budget. Such as ... a digital camera. My desire to stimulate your visual senses has been very much hindered by my inability to afford a good digital camera.

*loud sigh*

Did I also mention it has been a very good two years since I last received flowers? Gone were the days when the flowers were lined up at my table. Flowers must be getting really expensive, eh?

*even louder sigh*

I know some of you will go ... "Eh! Why don't you get your boyfriend to buy you flowers and the things you want?" The thing is, if we do eventually end up lying side by side in our graves (or sit side by side in silly looking, little yellow jars) 50 years down the road, it would mean that, now, His money will be MY money. How ridiculous does it sound - to use MY money to buy MYSELF flowers?!

*flustered*

*a minute of silence - trying to re-compose myself*

By the way, Im also missing things like Braun Buffel bags, Nike golf gloves (size 19), nice CK underwears (no G-strings please, I've got tons of that), Haagen Diaz or NYDC vouchers, etc. If you're cash poor, swipe your cards. If you're poorer than me, do note that any intention to borrow monies from yours truly would be met with an almost immediate and intimidating rejection.

Have a nice day to you nice people out there! *smiles sweetly*

p.s. For people who like to send flowers, pls be reminded to send them to my office. So that all the other girls will be jealous. Thank you.

An add-on to the last post ...

I went thro' my last post and realised that I have forgotten to include a SUPER plus for Ah B**n.

8) He has a looooong dick

Ah B**n has stressed a couple of times that his dick is so long, that he can wrap it around his waist. Twice. Since I have not and do not wish to witness this (long filmsy thingies freak me out), I will juz believe him and start sharing this super juicy information with everybody. I believe he will luv me for this.

Note: For the ladies who are interested to get to know him, please leave your name, contact details, your age and your cup size on the comments page.


Next, for those of you who felt that I am such a "good" friend, thank you and i think so too. I doubt any of your gal friends would provide such an honest testimonial for you.

So, start buying me presents (or give me money) and I'll do a little publicity for ya. (yeap, I'm that cheap and poor).

Specially dedicated to Ah B**n

Just now, a friend was asking me for the address of my blogspot. As much as I wanted to tell him, I didn't dare to cos it meant I could no longer talk bad about him behind his back and it also meant he would know about my relatively dark history.

But being a soft person, i caved. So to make up for saying he's constantly horny and stuff like that, I would like to list down his positive attributes. (Gosh, now i have to rack my brains to turn all his character traits into good ones. This may take all night.)

All about Ah B**n 's good.....

1) He is good looking.

Actually he is juz not too bad looking, but everyone else i know says he is damn handsome, so I will take it that he is good looking. It doesn't matter that I think he looks like an over-baked fish cake.

2) He irks you without you hating him

Not many people can do that. And I muz say he is quite a master at it too. There were a few times when I wanted to give him a black eye from saying I have elephant legs or i'm fat. But I ended up doing nice things for him instead. So actually you can say he is a rather manipulative bitch (or I'm juz super sweet and nice). Oops, sorry, I'm supposed to compliment him. Erm, he is ..... such a nice person that you will luv him no matter how he irks you.

3) He is a gooood listener.

Most of his friends enjoy offloading their burdens, rubbish and shit on him. Because he would listen attentively. And advise. Altho' i suspect he actually enjoys listening to such shitz cos he is a born-gossiper. But hey, he's still a good listener okay?

4) He is a virgin.

I suspect (note: I'm only suspecting) that he's had a seemingly large number of sex partners and collection of blown-up dolls, but since he kept insisting that he has not had sex yet, so I will juz take it that he really is a 27-year-old virgin.

5) He is ... erm, not too tall

That's good cos i will look taller standing beside him.

6) He likes balls.

I meant football. You may ask, "Why is that positive?" To be frank, I don't know. im juz running out of things to say.

7) He is not very horny.

... not very horny as compared to other guys. I mean, he wanks only every other night, ok? erm ... this is supposed to be a secret. but what to do, I juz let the cat out of the bag. What's done cannot be undone.

Okay, since number 7 is his fav number, I shall stop here.

Note to Ah B**n: I've redeemed for my wrongdoings by listing your good traits, okie? Do remember to share your money with me. I'm always poor. And, you are, really a fantastic friend to have. *smiles sweetly*

SAY CHEESE! I wanted to post some nice pics of myself, here on my blog. It's however, a rather tedious task, due to the very limited number of nice pics that I have in my pathetic laptop. This does not mean I don't look nice. It's juz that cameras are very crafty equipment; they know juz when to make you look your worst. Anyway, as I mentioned in my previous post, my laptop had a brain wash so all my photo editing programs are now gone. This is the best I can manage. Bear with it. Also, I 've cut out bits and pieces of my actual self, so I'm featuring only the best taken parts of the best taken photos ... hahaha ... Let's get started ...... My eyes .... My eyes are my favourite. Not the bags below it though. As they call it, the eyes are the windows of the soul (I dunno which guy came up with this phrase, but it sounds very "chim" and impressive) and so my eyes can tell you when I am super pissed and when I'm juz pissed ... If you can't see clearly, it's probably due to the poor quality camera that I was using then. Too bad. Smiley :-)

Look at how sweetly I'm smiling? Don't be too jealous. I know many people can't smile like that. Also, this is a pic of my hair as well. Digressing a little, this pic was taken during my schooling days so being poor and poorer, I had no money to cut my hair, let alone treatment and stuff. Actually, when I have money i also dont cut my hair. But in the pic, my look still looks pretty good so i'll do a little promo for Pantene then. "Don't envy my healthy, beautiful hair ... " .... (directly translated from the Chinese old Pantene commercial).

p.s. The green colour thingy is a mask. I don't grow algae on my face.

nosey ...

Okay, so my nose is not my favourite. I had to search through a lot of pics to get a decent one in case I scare the freaking daylights out of some people reading this blog. So appreciate the effort.

The winner

aaahhhh ... the legs .... Do you know that a woman's legs are always the winner among other body parts? Don't ask me why. I juz know. Not that mine are winner legs but say in a contest with 50 participants, I can at least be the 49th runner-up, right?

Also, my legs look shiny not because i put some stupid oil on them. It's becos' i was doing some boarding thingy (you can see I was still holding the board) and my legs were still wet. (and I was wondering why do weight builders always put oily stuff on their bodies which made them look gross and utterly unattractive?)

V!

This is my right hand doing the V-sign or the Victory sign or the "I will snipe-your-thingy-off-if-you-make-me-look-fat-in-this pic" sign.

My hands again ...

Okay, to do my justice to my very useful hands, I decided to post another pic. This was me cooking. So it shows that I really CAN cook. *smug look*

Lousy butt

That's right, i have a lousy butt. That's why i don't take a lot of butt pics. And the only one I have has my bikini tag on it. Yah, it's damn lousy.

Mid-body

I look quite slim here, eh? Manz, I should start losing weight ....

??

A little peek of my err ... assets ... in bathing suit. Can't see clearly? I don't give a damn.... haha ...

That's all folks! Enjoy your weekend!!! =)

I am pissed.

Was trying to upload some pics then my screen juz hang. I have to re-type the entire post which I no longer recall. Yeap, I have short-term memory like a goldfish. I believe this has got nothing to do with blogger but with my suay-ness and my pathetic laptop. My laptop was formatted recently as he decided to shit on me (yeah, i think of my laptop as a notti little boy). In fact, he had been trying to shit on me for the past one year. But rather than full-blown shitting (like one of those after you have a really heavy meal), he has been constipating. So he has been shitting bit by bit. Juz two months ago, he decided that he's had enough of me, and gave me a full-blown shit. Some error message would appear after I pressed the "ON" button and i couldn't even get into Windows.

To cure the shitting problem, I got him brain-washed. Now, that he's had his lesson, he's got to learn that I am his mistress and should only shit when I want him to. But moving at a seemingly slow speed and with a 56K dial up, it's no wonder that IE will hang. At least that is what I console myself with.

I have thought of disposing my laptop but I couldn't bear to. Partly because I still don't have the monies for a new one. The main reason tho', is this laptop has been with me for a good 3 years. He's kept me company during the loneliest times of my life and been good to me during my assignments-crazed days. He has kept me updated about home when I was overseas. He was there for the many insomniac nights when I played Solitaire till the wee hours in the morning. Yes, I am sentimental. Or incredibly stupid.

I hope he doesn't shit on me again. Not at least until i have the $$ to buy a new love.

I'M a GOOD PERSON

The past few posts were posted by the notti side of me. I'm naughty by nature, not NOTTI. There is a great difference in this.

Naughty is sweet and cute and adorable = Me.

Notti is funny & adorable, but is also slutty and bitchy = Not so Me.

Anyway, being the notti side of me, i have portrayed myself as not quite the nice, tame, sweet and innocent gal that I am. To prove that I am sweet, cute and adorable, I have extracted some testimonials that my friends have put on my friendster page:

Note: I swear I did not threaten to smear their faces with my doggie's poo or poke their ear drums with my pencil.

*Names have been changed to protect the victims.

By Lord Gabz*:
She is a woman who is many things rolledinto one: spunky, out-going, forthright,caring & with a "never-say-die"attitude, amongst others!

Check it out, I'm spunky and caring!

By DaPenNeh*
always ready with jokes and full of crap, enough to make u roll in the grd!

I'm fun to have around too .... =)

By Von*:
She is going to be a great wife cos she cooks well and is great at taking care of people

Ain't I great? This is such an ego booster .....

By Timon*:
Great gal. 'nuff said.

Need I say more?

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Despite being the nice, sweet and adorable person that I am, I do mix with bad company. Because I choose to see the good side of people (ain't I sweet and nice?). As such, i did not delete away the stupid and not so flattering testimonials from my friends who are not very good people.

By Dupid Diana*:
SHe's a cool gal,first impression was smart n hardworking.but,after awhilerealised she's NOT!

She meant that I wasn't cool after she got to know me. I was super COOL!

By Ridiculous Riys*:
I thought she's like those damn serious type who studies at home (check out those nerdy glasses she used to wear :D!)... I couldn't be more wrong...

In case you're wondering why I kept this testimonial by Riys*, read on ....

So to those who just get to know her, dun be DECEIVED by her sweet smile lor :D....

Well, at least I know i have a sweet smile. *smiles sweetly*

By Yinshit*:
Wait till she unearths herself after office hours, a great clubber who would strip her bra [oops!] to facilitate dancing.

Hey, I was high on vodka okay?!!!! And stupid strapless are juz not good support for C cups!


So there you go, what my friends thought of me as a person. The not-so-good comments were juz written by the jealous, lousy bitches and scums. So I dun giv' a tiny rat's ass about it. And neither should you.

Now, don't you wish you are my fren?? *winks*

HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY

Today is the 1st day of September - Teacher's Day. Though this should have been an event I have thrown out of my mind since I attained puberty, I was reminded once again of this date when my student gave me a present during tuition last night. It was a photo frame, and very nicely wrapped. Given the amount of scoldings she gets from me during each session, not to mention the knocks that I've been inflicting on her head, I muz say I'm really surprised she would get me something. I hope she won't tell her mother about me knocking her head tho'.

Maybe she did this so that she will get less homework. Or less head-knocking.

Haha. Like she can outsmart me. *smug look*

On this "special" that is not so special-to-me day, I reflect upon all the people that I have learnt some thing from. Needn't necessarily be a teacher. Juz someone who had taught me something.

List of People I would like to thank:

1) My Mother, who taught me to be independent and never depend on men. Esp. when monie$ are concerned. So that if my man ever engage in monkey business behind my back (or otherwise), i can kick his nuts and throw him out of the house.

2) My father - he taught me how to do something wrong and not get caught. haha. juz kidding.

3) My brother, who taught me how to steal.

now, my friends .....

1) Nick, who taught me how to dance exotically and engage in monkey affairs. In the car.

2) Zhi**i, who taught me how to smoke

3) S*mon, who showed me the importance of knowledge. particularly of those in the bedroom.

4) LX - he taught me how to sneak into a cinema without paying. We got caught eventually but that's another story .... Oh, and he also enlightened me on the functions of .... errr ... some of my body parts.

5) P*i - who taught me stupid games and super corny jokes so that I irritate my other friendz.

6) P*t* - who taught me that airport toilets are .... constantly monitored by janitors ....

7) My first love - he taught me how to play mahjong, and other gambling games.

8) Myself - I taught myself how to drink! hahah ..... ain't I brilliant?

wow ... I really owe it to these people dat I have turned out the fine person that I am.

I decided that the title of my blogspot, "Of drama and harmony" is a little too corny. So I decided to change it to "Naughty by nature". Not that this new title is not corny, but it'll juz be a stand-in until I come up with something better. That is, if i can come out with something better.