TRICKS TO EMPLOY WHEN YOU ARE CAUGHT CHEATING ON YOUR PARTNER/SPOUSE

1) Denial

Never admit that you are cheating or have cheated on him/her. Never. If your partner truly cares for you, even if you are caught in bed with her sister/his brother, there would still be a teeny weeny part in that person to want to believe that you did not betray his/her trust. Come up with a reason (you muz stress that it's a reason, cos excuse would juz mean u're guilty) no matter how lame.

Examples:

"Your sister said that she is better than you on bed. I'm sorry, darling, but I juz have to prove to her that she can never, ever replace you."

"I've been day-dreaming the whole day of giving you a fantastic blowjob, so I didn't even realise it was your bro when I stumbled into your room."

or

"I've been yearning to blow you for the entire day that I didn't even realise I walked into the wrong room."

Generally, the male species tend to soften when they realised they're getting some heads.

"The lights were off. I didn't know .... " *puppy look*


2) Distraction

Do whatever you can to get his/her attention off this subject. You can pretend to faint, go into a seizure, start biting your toes (or his/her toes), submerge your head into the fish tank, eat the hamsters (alive), talk to the soft toys, etc. If you're utterly stupid, you can say .... "Look, it's a plane!" Make sure you're pointing out of the window. On the other hand, if you say this and point to your breasts/dick, it might work as well.

This will work only if you really can act.

Word of caution: Do not laugh when you're doing this. You may blow your cover. Or get yourself killed if you happened to put your head into a fish tank or toilet bowl. Which in this case, you obviously deserve to die for being so damn bloody stupid.

3) Turn the table around

Now, if your partner is smart enough, he/she won't fall for any of the above. You're gonna need to out-wit him/her to make it seem like it's his/her fault.

Examples include:

"I have told you a thousand times to change the light! You know I can't see clearly with this light! Are you happy now that I actually had sex with someone else because of this?!" Storm out.

"You mean you would rather trust the words of your best friend since pre-school, that he/she actually saw me kissing the jerk/slut you hate from work?! I can't believe you don't trust me!" Storm out.

"Do you realise that if you had paid more attention to my breasts/butt/penis, this wouldn't have happened?!" Storm out.

Yell when using the above lines.

4) Always remember your lies

Now, most people make the mistake of lying to cover another lie but due to the massive number of lies told, they don't remember what they had lied about. If you had insisted that your new mobile phone with a hello kitty chain was bought by your dying grand aunt, make sure that you remember this. A grave mistake would be to actually tell your partner after a few months that it was your dying next door neighbour who, doted on you so much that he bought it for you.

If you're clever enough, you may make use the theory of half-truths to shield yourself from future potential sticky situations.

Example:

"oh, my cousin bought me this soft toy from Australia." Full-stop.

Yeap, you got the toy from Australia. But it's not from your cousin.

So if you were ever asked the same question a few months down the road, you can say ..."Did I say cousin? haha ... I meant my old college mate. He/she's like family to me." Cross your fingers and hope for the best. Avoid eye contact.

5) Cry

It doesn't matter whether he/she thinks you are guilty. Just cry. Then say, ".... *snif sniff* .... I can't talk right now .... " Run out in a very dramatic manner.

6) Fake an illness

Say that you were born with a disease since young - that you must have sex with someone during certain times of the day. Come up with a really difficult-to-pronounce word (which doesn't exist in dictionaries) to describe the disease. Like, "scinezophobia" or "profilodemia". Up to you how you want to pronounce it.

7) Do not say this, "He/She meant nothing to me."

Since you're already an arsehole/slut by cheating, be a smart one. Why the hell would you want to sleep with someone who meant nothing to you? Obviously, you slept with that person becos he's more gorgeous/she's more sexy/he's got an 8-inch/she blows better than your vacuum cleaner (with less noise) etc, etc. So that meant something. Don't disgrace your brain by employing this ancient line, which was not even created by you in the first place.

Last note: The above suggestions are meant for use only if you truly care for or love your partner, ie. you do not want to lose him/her. If you don't, do them a favour and redeem more good kharma for yourself - end the relationship. They deserve better than scums/whores like you.

Disclaimer: All materials in this post are meant for leisure reading only. The writer will not be held responsible if the ideas do not actually work.