Let Go

A dear old friend just returned from down under, and a few of us met up for coffee.

I realised then, that it has been really long, since it was just us. No spouses or partners. Just the gang that used to get together to hang out at void decks, coffeeshops, or over at Ogre's home playing mahjong.

For a while, I have been wondering if there will be times again when us friends just hang out, without the partners. I think the partners are fine; but your friends never behave quite the way they are when their partners are around (no matter how they argued they always behave in the exact same manner even with the spouses around).

With almost all my friends already settled down, I guess there will really come a time when I have to bid goodbye to the once funny acts that never failed to make me laugh.

Maybe I am quite reluctant to let it go, that's why I have been making new, single and young friends from work and DB.

Maybe it's time to move on.

Mountain out of mole hill

I sent an email to a counterpart in Australia this morning asking for some clarifications and that person forwarded my mail to someone else sitting in my office, 2 aisles from me. If I could get my answer from the someone else, I would just walk over to his table. Why would I bother to send the email to someone who is on a 3-hour time difference, only to have her forward the email to someone whom i can get to within seconds?

Somehow, a clarification that I asked ballooned into something bigger and "someone else" walked over to one of my teammates and began discussing the issue with him. After their discussion, teammate walked over and appeared quite pissed. He told me that if I want any clarification on such matters, I should go to him first.

I had no idea what discussion went on. I asked 2 very simple questions, because Australia wasn't clear in her email.

Teammate is a guy in his fifties, who had just moved from USA. He's the other smoker in this office (yeah, 2 out of 80+ people), and we usually get along just fine. I didn't understand the "confrontation", but thought if I run into him during one of the smoking breaks, I could clarify. Just to be sure, I consulted my team lead on my email and whether it was unclear or could have led to any misunderstanding.

"No, your email is very clear."

So I went down to have my smoke and thought I'll clarify with him after he has cooled down. When I returned, I saw team lead at teammate's table and they were obviously discussing the issue earlier.

Went back to table and continue my work. Team lead then came back to her desk and drop me a message via MSN.

"I'm sorry I went ahead to ask XX about this, but I really cannot tahan not asking him about this."

Thanks, and now, I feel like a baby. Who has to go crying to mother whenever she is bullied because she cannot stand up for herself.

Teammate came over to apologise for snapping at me but he was really pissed that he got thrown a pile of bloody spreadsheet with all the wrong data and just when he's trying to clear things up, people started asking questions on why he is not updating the spreadsheet with accurate information. The truth is, I feel bad for him. It's like he's got this load of shit thrown on him because someone else doesn't want to do this shit and this is not what he signed up for in the first place.

"If i had known I'd be doing this, I wouldn't have taken this job."

And he was right. That spreadsheet is rubbish and because our global leaders had lost the fight against other teams on the accountability of maintaining this spreadsheet, the people at the bottom gotta take the shit.

I figured all this out while I was taking my smoke, and I wasn't sore or anything. And I meant to explain to him that I wasn't questioning the integrity of the data, just wanted some clarification. It was like, "is it 1, or 2?" kind of clarification (which could have been answered by Australia). Yet, my team lead had to beat me to it.

Not the first time I was treated like a baby.

At what point, do I tell said team lead that I can very well stand up for myself?

She's trying very hard to "protect" her team, but in the process of doing so, undermine the fact that we are all adults here and can very well settle our problem.

I wonder if this is because she thinks I can't handle it. But I can. I really can.

Oh well.

Women!

I am sorry to say this, but women can sometimes, be such bad drivers.

Firstly, there was an auntie who banged my car from the back a few months back. It was along Paya Lebar Road where there is a perpetual jam. The cars were moving oh-so-slowly, and she still found the opportunity to bang me. What the hell. She must lack banging in her life. NB.

Then, there was this woman who doesn't check her rear view mirror before she reversed to park, and nearly hit my car, which was coming from behind. I mean, i saw that she was waiting for a lot. So i swopped beside to pass her, before she started her vertical parking. She didn't bother to check her mirrors and started backing into the lot when I was right beside her. She saw me only when her car was into the lot and she looked shocked. Yeah, you stupid bitch. You should have looked into your mirrors and ensure the path is clear before the reverse. What are you? A retard?

I encountered some stupid questions from my female broker at work today. Why people can ask such damb-ass questions is really beyond me.

I'm sorry, but why do the women I met always appear to be more stupid than the men I've met?

Updates

On the night before my birthday, I met up with a poly friend for dinner. I have been very busy these days, and rarely find the chance to ask her out for coffee, an activity that we engaged in heavily in the past. She met me at my office lobby, and from the back, I almost couldn't recognised her. She seemed to have lost quite a bit of weight, although she was still kinda chubby. During the dinner, I commented that she seemed to have lost a bit of weight, somewhat excitedly. After all, losing weight has always been a compliment. To which she smiled sadly, and said "Why wouldn't I?"

I found out from her that she had gotten pregnant (I didn't even know she was seeing someone), but she terminated it prematurely. Apparently, she was involved with a guy whom anyone would deem as an asshole. But she chose to be stupid (as she claimed) and still got involved with him anyway. As she had expected, when she smsed him to inform him of her pregnancy, he did not reply. Not at all surprising since he hardly contacted her anyway. But she didn't get the usual morning sickness so by the time she found out, she was already 9 weeks into the pregnancy. She considered a lot of options but decided to terminate the pregnancy finally.

Her news really hit me badly. I was feeling relatively down the next day, especially when I thought how I hadn't been there for her. She said everything happened too quickly, and she didn't have the chance to come to me. Fortunately, she had a friend who stayed with her the whole time.

I really want to spend more time with the people I love. I may not have enough time to ratio it well, but I will try.

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Went zouk for mambo last week. It was a farewell for one of the dragonboaters and for the purpose of bringing another there for the first time. The thing I can't understand is, why do the "mambo zoukers" now all dance with some kind of hand gesture for every single word in every single song? I mean, who the hell did they think they were explaining the song to? And who the fuck gives a damn?

It's still good music though, although I stayed off the long island tea this time (I was knocked out before midnight the last time I went mambo which was last year).

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My best friend finally got married to her boyfriend of 9 years. I was truly happy for her. Tried my best to assist her in anything that she needs help in and was kept busy and running about during the day (and night).

As usual, we had some fun during the gate-crashing in the morning, but her boyfriend (now husband) is really a nice and gentle guy, so we went easy on the challenges. The video highlights did not do justice to the fun we had in the morning though. In a nutshell, the editor had extracted only a very short and mild version of what went on the morning. I had painstakingly printed out pictures and had everything laid out properly so that it's easier for the editor, which was unfortunately, not utilized. I hadn't been trained, although I have done about 5 weddings for my friends. Even I can do a better job.

Oh, and I just want to comment that the Ogres' got a super cute daughter.

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I am up at 1am typing this post because I'm in the midst of reading my work mails and transferring the read mails to the server's folders. Argh. Back to work tomorrow. I enjoy my work, but I'm not sure if this is really what I wanna do.

What would I do without her?

I remember when I was young, I was a sickly child. One time, I came down with fever and was left at home with my young auntie to take care of me. I remember lying down on a mattress laid on the floor, staring through the door as my mom instructing my auntie on how to take care of me. Then she waved bye bye and left through the main door.

Since young, I have been a somewhat wilful kid. I never like to have my mom take me home from school so whenever school ended, and I don't see my mom at the gate waiting for me, I would feel very happy. I simply loved the idea of walking home by myself and would sulk when I met my mom halfway. Somehow, I just didn't want my mom with me, as I wanted badly to be a grown-up who didn't need to stick to her mother.

However, during the times when I was ill, I would become this little girl who wanted her mommy with her all the time.

So when my mom left for work that day, I started sobbing and kicking up a fuss. My young aunt was helpless and she childed me for being so naughty.

A few days ago, I woke up feeling extremely dizzy. In fact, I couldn't even stand up. So I went back to bed. Then my mom called my mobile to ask about something which I no longer remember now. I only remember mumbling something and told her I was ill. My mom asked me if I wanted her to come over. I said no. After all, I am a big girl now; I can take care of myself.

After a while when I thought I was feeling better, I tried getting up again, and stumbled my way into the toilet to wash up. But I ended up vomiting and somehow found my way back to bed where I fell asleep again.

At the point, I was feeling kinda lost and was wondering if I should call my mom. At that point, my mom called me again and asked me again if I wanted her to come over. She offered to buy some food for me. Food was the last thing on my mind, and I knew even if she was here, there was no way I could make it to the clinic with her because I was simply feeling so dizzy that I could not get out of bed.

But I still wanted her here. I felt like I was back to this little girl, even after 20 years, who wanted her mom with her. Not all the time, but just there and then, I really wanted her by my side.

So my mom showed up (thank god I had give her a duplicate set of keys so I didn't have to get up to open the door) and she served me a plate of chee cheong fun while I ate in bed. I found out later that she was already cooking porridge for me and that chee cheong fun was meant for herself. But she gave me the chee cheong fun because I wanted to eat straight away to prevent the gastric pain from kicking in.

My mom couldn't stop how the dizziness but I did feel better after she arrived. Strangely, I somehow felt better while she was fussing over me.

So I realised no matter who grown-up I am, there would still be days when I wish my mom could be by my side. It doesn't matter what she would be doing, just as long as she is here.


p.s. I am not pregnant.

http://dailynews.sina.com/gb/news/int/kwongwah/20090518/0347272430.html


Not everyone can manage their studies, regardless of what schools they go to.

Unfortunately, the deceased wasn't very strong in his studies prior to poly, and I guess the pressure of projects and struggling so hard just to pass finally caved in.

It really is a pain to lose him at this age.

To quote my uncle, "I've had this son for twenty years.... and now he's gone, just like that."

Jia Wei and I have almost never spoken to each other so I cannot understand why he did what he did. But I hope he is finally at peace with himself now.

Rest in peace, cousin.

The Era of the 1980s

I have been wanting to blog about this for quite some time already but never found the time to.

A couple of friends and I met up for dinner and we sat talking about life, people and mostly work. A similarity that we all encounter, is the young people who had just graduated and started work, for the first time, probably. The attitude of these young ones really amazes me.

Like some of the ones that I ran into at work, these young people are idealistic and ambitious. Some, very ambitous. But what I can't get is, how can these people expect to climb up the corporate ladder, earn big fat salaries, when they don't even want to get their hands dirty?

My best friend started out in the audit line at a big audit firm. She worked days and nights at her work. She said, during her first year, she spent the most of her time in front of the photocopy machine. It was the job of the first years, to photocopy the documents and keep the records for the seniors and managers for their use. When she was promoted to senior, she worked non-stop, finishing work only at 11plus at night. Once, she stayed over at her client's place and worked till 7plus in the morning. Such are the harsh conditions she was exposed to, before she can get to where she is today.

I have heard from a number of people, that, when they tell the new joiners to photocopy documents, they would be asked, in a most self-important manner, "Why should I do this?"

There is this other group of 1980s that are overly idealistic.

They breeze through life, going into colleges, hanging out with friends, making enough money to spend for their daily wants, etc. Then, all of a sudden, they decide to do something different, finding a new path of life. They drop whatever they're doing, forfeiting all the money that their parents or family have spent on them, and decide to just pursue their new found direction.

I couldn't understand why these young ones are behaving like that. So different from the way people in my era behaved.

Then my friend brought up, "it's because our families, in one time or another, have been poor. These people born in the 1908s, have parents who are more less enough money to sustain their daily needs and material wants. They can do whatever they want, not needing to make money to support their parents."

And she's right.

Must we all go through poverty before we can realise the value of money?

Must we all go through hardship before we realise that success doesn't come easy?

Must we actually see how our parents slog, before we realise how hard they work, to give us the life that we have?

I can't help but wonder how is the next generation going to turn out. We live in an era of computer games, aircon rooms, Nike shoes, LV bags, etc. The more we want to pamper our children with the finer things of life, the less they'll understand they have to get their hands dirty to achieve success in life. The more we want to satisfy their wants because we want our children happy, the less they'll understand they have to work to fulfil their needs.

Right now, I'm only glad I don't have kids. Because I really have no idea how to bring them up. So i'd better start planning now, just so i'll be ready when the time comes.

The Bubble Tea

It's that time of the year again, where we would go clean up the tombs of the late loved ones, and bring them lots of food and "money".

The Mandai columbarium was filled with people, joss papers and joss sticks, food, smoke and ashes. I pretty dread going there over the weekends for Qing Ming. You had to queue like an hour plus before you can get your car parked. It's smoky and hot, with little children running about, people talking loudly ... I was thinking if I want to be put in here for some eternal peace and quiet, I certainly wouldn't be getting any for at least a few times of the year.

During such events, it involves quite a fair bit of waiting. During these times, I would roam about the place, looking at the stone tablets of the deceased. It usually captures my attention if I see a particular young picture.

I was reminded of one time, when I was there offering prayers to my father, it was a very quiet day. The niche opposite my dad's was recently "occupied". There were some offerings on the floor, but there wasn't much food. What caught my eye was a plastic cup with a colour straw. It was a cup of bubble tea.

My eyes shifted to the stone tablet to which the offerings were left for. The picture was a young boy, and upon calculation of the date of birth and death, the deceased was a twelve year old. This led to my recollection some time ago when I was there, I saw this pair of young parents, who were looking at the stone tablet sadly. The woman was wiping her tears.

No doubt the parents of the deceased would be heartbroken. But how much do we know about their pain? I kept wondering, did the boy die of a long disease, or was it an accident? No matter what caused the death, this pain would shadow the parents for the rest of their lives.

I have never been a parent. So it really makes me wonder how can the parents of the deceased ever get over the death of their child?

I only hope that, one day, should i have kids of my own, I would pass on before they do.