Friday, January 27, 2006

Why we should love Chinese New Year

I realise there are a lot of people out there who hate Chinese New Year. They hate the rush of people stocking up on mandarin oranges, New Year goodies and the stupid CNY songs that certain CD shops in housing estate areas decided to play for one full month before the actual CNY. Quite frankly, I dislike it too.

I hate the fact that I have to:

1) Queue for almost an hour at the bank because the queue was lined with people changing new currency for ang paos.

2) I hate it even more when I don't get a share of the ang pao in 1).

3) I hate the CNY songs that CD shops decide to play so as to torture my eardrums

I bet many of us feel this way

4) I hate the increase in 肉干 prices. Man, I so luv 肉干when they're cheaper.

肉干 - one of my loves

5) I detest seeing "red" wherever I go. Needless to say, red's not my favourite colour.

6) I hate people who get into CNY mood and become extremely slow to respond for urgent shipments.

7) I hate the New Year goodies which never fail to gain me 2 extra kilos within a few days.

Why are new year goodies so goooood??

8) I hate the increase in hair salon prices.

Don't even get me started on how much I had spend on my latest hairstyle

9) I dislike people who hate CNY because they don't want to meet their distant relatives or get in touch with their Chinese roots.

Despite all these things which soil my mood, I actually love this festival. Really, I do. Sometimes, I love it even more than Christmas.

I don't understand my generation of people nowadays. We can celebrate X'mas like it's the most important event of the year, but when it comes to CNY, these people start frowning.

Stop frowning, k?
(cos i will spank u hard if u continue)

All because they don't wanna meet relatives who once again will comment on how big they have grown, how silly the CNY tunes are (okay, im guilty of this) or how much fuss they have to go through to get new clothes.

Frankly, I think CNY is the most important event for all Chinese. The ang mohs celebrate Christmas either because of their faith or it's the time for family gatherings. It's almost like our Chinese reunion dinner. Except we eat chicken and ducks instead of turkey, we get red packets filled with cash instead of presents, and we get nice x'mas carols instead of Long piao piao's CNY songs (my god, i can't believe i actually remember the name of this Chinese singer).

One of my deceased dad's favourite singer

The goods of CNY are so many that i can only list a few:

1) The Ang Pows
Cash to spend/gamble without guilt. Of course, if you're married, it's a different thing.

2) The good food
Sure I detest the two kilos i know i will gain, but the once-in-a-year food is really great. Something we all can't deny.

3) The right to gamble
You don't get your neighbours knocking on your doors for making noises while playing Poker or Black Jack (cos' they're doing the same thing).

It's as intensive as this when I gamble

4) The holidays = no need to work/study
We get an extra day of holiday as compared to other public holidays in the whole year! That is, provided you work in a 9 to 5 environment usually.

5) The time to meet up with cousins and favourite relatives
Sure, many of us hate our relatives. But there are bound to be some relatives whom you love. And these faves are usually the ones who give the big Ang Pows. Hee.
6) The right to shop
Because our mommies said we need to wear new clothes for the new year.

I particularly love CNY cos this is the only time where I go back to where I was born to hang out with the whole of my extended family.

This is the only time where I get to see my grandma.

This is the only time where I get to play with / torture my cousins who are mostly a decade younger than me.

This is the only time where I have to eat reunion dinner like it's a buffet with no tables and chairs. (we have close to 30 people eating reunion dinner each time and only the elders get to get a proper seat. The rest of us juz pick our food off the table and move elsewhere.)

This is the only time where I can catch up with my aunts and uncles whom im relatively close to.

This is the only time where fireworks soar from our garden as we compete with the neighbours who has bought the most beautiful (expensive) fireworks.

Okay, maybe not as colourful, but it looked something like that.

This is the only time where I can taste my grandma's cooking (the best in the world) again.

This is the only time where I can get learn how to make nonya kueh from my aunt (I forget how to make 'em everytime after CNY so she has to teach me over and over again)

delicious nonya kuehs

This is the only time where my entire extended family and I would sit around in the living room watching movies starring Stephen Chow and roar with laughter together. (Heartwarming, isn't it?)

And because of all these, I actually do not value the Ang Pows (cos they're in a different currency) but I really look forward to just sitting around and hanging out with the people I love. Although it's tedious and expensive having to fly during this period, it's really all worth it. But sad to say, this year will be the last time I'm having reunion dinner with them.

The only thing I truly hate is to visit certain relatives whom I do not care for. Usually, I'm being forced to visit them. The up side is, I get to finish almost the new year goodies at their place. hehe.

I hope those of you who hate CNY will look at things differently and start to appreciate this festival.

For those of you who find it weird that im not wishing you Happy CNY in person or via SMS, please understand that I can't celebrate CNY this year.

But please enjoy yourselves, stuff yourself silly and win lotsa money! (that is, when u're not gambling with me).

Friday, January 20, 2006

Origin of the Chinese Horoscope

I came across this story when I was very young and gullible. But it makes a little bit of sense if you think about it.


Long long time ago, there was a Cat and a Rat who were great friends. They would go camping and travel around the country together. They shared food and saw each other everyday. Those were the days when there was only one of each animal.

One day, the animal God called for an animal conference.

"I have decided to hold a cross country race. (Because I am very bored with chasing butterflies all day). You will all have to run along the tracks as indicated and will have to cross a river (whereby you may drown in the event of doing so) to reach the final destination. The first twelve animals that reaches the finishing point will have a year alloted to their kind."

Now, all the animals were very excited. Including the Dragon. In fact, the Dragon was so excited that he couldn't control the flames coming out of his mouth and he had accidentally (as what he called it) lit the Lion's mane on fire. Cat and Rat were ecstatic at this event of the year.

Note: Although these animals and gods had lived in a perfect world then, bear in mind that a world without vice is very boring. Which was the reason why they were thrilled about the race.

On the day of the race, the excitement was hard to conceal. Mr Ox had been practising by working in the fields before day break. Miss Monkey ate too many bananas and had to swing from tree to tree looking for new places to clean her bowels. The Donkey, who travelled all the way from the other end of the earth to reach here, was utterly exhausted. He could have hitched a ride from the Dragon, who was gay and interested in him, but refused as he had "dignity" (yeah, right). On the way, he even tripped over some rocks and fell into a muddy pond. What ass luck. In fact, he was so muddy that he was initially being mistaken as the Pig.

The Lion was missing though. His mane was still badly damaged by the burn from the Dragon and being very, very vain, he refused to be seen in public with damaged mane.

Cat and Rat were well prepared for the race. They watched their diet, jogged two hours everyday, and slept early. And with Lion out of the race, they were both confident that they can win the race.

The horn sounded. All animals rushed forward.

Initially, all animals were very fast and it was unable to determine who would be the first to finish.

Then, there was a bolt of lightning from the sky.

"DRRRAAAGGGGOOOONNNN!!!! What the hell are you doing here?! Northeast needs water! You must go and give rain now!!!!!"

Note: Long time ago, before evaporation and condensation was termed, it was believed that dragons give rain to the world.

Reluctant, yet tied down by his sense of responsibility, the Dragon turned back and went off to complete his mission.

Before half the journey, the Donkey decided to give up. He was too tired.

The Bear saw a beehive along the way, and was distracted. He decided that honey was more important.

The Pig was missing. Being very smart, he had actually found another way to the final point, without crossing the river. He deviated from the original route to continue the race from the shortcut.

The Tiger lost concentration and went to catch butterflies instead. And in the process, trampled the Lizard to death. Which was fine, since everybody hates lizards.

The Rooster flapped its wings and managed to outrun some of the animals. Which made him really cocky.

The Horse and the Goat were happily chatting along the way. They had no desire to make it as the first twelve and joined the race for the sake of the free gift and buffet dinner at the end of the race.

The Deer was shot by a hunter on the way. Too bad.

When the animals came to the river, they all stopped. The river was filthy and covered with the trash from last week's party. Furthermore, it was freezing cold (as warned by the Fish, who couldn't take part in the race).

The Snake, paused for a while, and just slided into the river. As we all know, snakes are cold-blooded and they can always shed their skin to get rid of the dirt.

The Ox, not intending to lose out, jumped into the river, right after the snake.

Now, the Cat and the Rat were very smart too. They jumped onto the back of the Ox, which was the only part above the river.

The Hare, had built a little boat for himself, and was happily crossing the river slowly, while reading Playboy (okay, so they had ONE vice).

The Dog wanted to share the boat (and the Playboy) but was rejected by the Hare. So he had no choice but to swim.

Now, the Monkey and the Rooster can't swim, so they bribed the Horse and the Goat (with their share of the free gift) into helping them to cross the river. Everybody loves free gifts, so the Horse and the Goat obliged.

As the Ox was very well-trained and had a lot more stamina than the rest, he was right ahead. Now, the Rat was thinking ...

"Once we get to the other side, Cat will definitely beat me to it. He is taller and bigger, and can run much faster than me. I want to win. And the only way that can happen is if Cat is not in this race."

Very scheming indeed.

The Cat was thinking .....

"Yaaay ... fooooood ......."

A huge splash followed, and the Rat had pushed his best friend, Cat, into the river. Now, cats can't swim, and not surprisingly, he drowned.

This is why, cats hate rats. Now, they catch rats and mice for the sake of killing them, but not for food.

Back to the race, the Ox reached the edge of the river and the Rat jumped over the Ox's head and touched down first. The Rat had won. He was the first animal in the Chinese Zodiac. Followed closely by the Ox.

The Tiger, who could swim very well, caught up with the rest and came in third.

The Hare, whose nice little boat, did not capsize, came in after the Tiger. The Tiger, who was, by then, very hungry, wanted to eat the Hare. But the Hare offered his Playboy in return for his life.

The Dragon, was supposed to miss the race. But dragons can fly! So he flew to give rain, and flew back. And because he didn't have to swim, he touched down after the Hare. Though he was pissed that he did not beat the Tiger to the Playboy.

The Snake should have been in real quick but the cold was making him lethargic. The cold river reminded him of winter and he almost dozed off a couple of times while making his way across the river. But with perseverance and determination, he managed to make it across the river. He came in sixth.

Next came the Horse, who galloped his way through the river. (Don't ask me how he did that; he just did). The Goat made it right after the Horse.

When they reached the finishing point, the Monkey jumped off the Horse's back immediately. He had came in nineth. The Rooster, who wanted a graceful descend, was flapping his wings gently as he jumped off the Goat's back. Alas! He slipped when he landed and had to nurse a broken wing. The fall resulted in a permanent damage where he could no longer fly high or too long a distance.

The Bear actually caught up with the rest. But once again, he was distracted. This time, by the fish in the river. And he went diving deep in to get the juicest fish.

The Dog came in only an hour after the rest. Dogs are diligent, but the "doggie-paddle" was way too slow to catch up with the rest.

Now, we expected the Pig to come in first, as he had a shortcut. But being very lazy, he had taken a nap along the way, missed all the mud fun, and came in last. But he was glad that the buffet was refillable.

Once the Pig arrived, the award ceremony took place. The Rat, being the champion, was asked to give a speech. So he went on to give a speech about thanking his best friend, who had encouraged him not to give up when he was exhausted, and how his friend had unfortunately perished in the race.

How deceitful.

Thank you for reading up till this point. Of course, I spiced up the story a little, but the story of the Cat and Rat is supposedly true according to the book I read).

But I guess the reason why the Lion didn't participate was not because of the burnt mane, but due to the fact that he couldn't swim.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Why it's better being a Man than a woman

1) You don't have to excuse yourself from the room when you want to scratch your balls or other private parts

2) You can be totally sex-crazed and just blame it on your hormones without being labelled a slut

3) You can drive a BMW at age 30 without being misjudged as a "Kept Man"

4) As long as you have money, you can sleep with girls in their early twenties no matter what age you are

5) You can pee standing, avoiding all the remains and bacteria left over by the previous occupant of the cubicle

6) Hell, you don't even need to go into a cubicle to pee

7) You can inflat your ego anytime just by thinking you have the biggest dick around

8) You can be 40 and single, but nobody notices

9) You don't have to bleed every month

10) You can go to Malay barbers for hair cuts that cost only 10 bucks

Why it's better being a woman than a man

1) Multiple orgasms

Thursday, January 05, 2006

When there's no turning back

Sometimes when you're alone, you start to dwell on things. Then, you realised that you're often not very happy. Why? For girls, generally, the one thing that can influence their emotions is their relationship with their current beau.

You may start to realise that this relationship is taking you nowhere. You often break out in tears just thinking of the fights you have with each other. You feel the resentment building up and everytime someone ask you about your relationship, you can only dish out anger, fear, frustration, etc etc. This is when you must pause and think, whether this relationship is worth salvaging.

A friend of mine is having some problems with his girlfriend.

Her side of the story:

He had gone behind her back and dated other girls before. Although he has apologized and assured her that it would never happen again, she can no longer trust him. If he doesn't pick up her calls or return her sms, she would think he is avoiding her or doing something that she wouldn't want to hear of.

His side of the story:

He had never betrayed her. Yes, he might have gone on "dates" but nothing ever happened. He doesn't understand why she would freak out whenever he can't answer her call. After all, he was working late in the office almost every day and it sometimes just isn't convenient to answer personal calls.

How I got into the story:

They broke up after she thought he was cheating on her. She sent an sms to me about keeping in touch and of course, the reason why they broke up. I sent back sms asking her to take care.

Then they got back together.

Now, they are having problems again. Whenever she can't get him, she would get me. She would get me, to call him, to call her. This did not happen just once or twice.

He was frustrated with her overly suspicious mind and wanted me to speak to her.

In short, I am a pigeon.

So when your relationship has taken such a turn, where you have to rely on a third party to interfere, something is clearly wrong. Most people are reluctant to give up a relationship because:

1) You've been together a long time

Note that "a long time" is subjective here, so it could mean 7 years or 7 weeks. But time is not a good measure of whether this relationship is gonna work. Neither is time a good reason why you should still carry on building more resentment for the other party

2) You still have feelings for him/her

Of course you do. Everyone does. But with increasing rage and frustration, love diminishes. One day, you will wake up and realise that you hate him/her, more so than you love him/her.

3) You do still have happy times together

But in what percentage? Are you 90% happy with each other and spend only 10% of your time squabbling? Or is it a 50-50 deal? If it is the latter, I advise you, let go. Hell, even if it's a 60% (good) and 40% (bad) situation, you might also want to consider letting go. Unless you're able to tip the scales in the positive direction.

So why? Why do you still want to cling on to a relationship that may

i) lead to nowhere? or worse, to destruction of your entire life?

ii) stop you from finding someone who may be able to make you happy without compromising?

iii) bring more pain and unhappiness as time passes by?

If what you're clinging on is past memories, then you had better bang your head on the wall and wake up. Life is about the present, and the future. The past stays only as memories and lessons that you learnt from. Don't assume he/she will change. He/she won't. Eat that.

Refusing to face up to reality and moving on is a sign of stupidity and is detrimental to your emotional well-being. Why be stupid when you can be smart and healthy?

This is neither smart nor healthy