Friday, November 25, 2005

Past Life (part 2)

I have been rather free in the office these days. Partly because the bulk of our core business is not in yet, so in between each job, I do have some part time to spare (for blogging and reading blogs).

Each blog I go to has its own style and each blogger's writing manner is rather distinctive. I can almost imagine what the bloggers look like. So for this entry, I would like to talk a little abt each blog that I kinda frequent and perhaps their past life.

(Barney: U know u'll be the first on my list when I want to shit on someone's head)

Traits : Likes to portray himself as a happy purple dino and aims to entertain little children. But unknown to him, he's positioned himself (to some gals out there) as a S.N.A.G. Readers of his previous blogs all thought of him as such a sensitive, nice guy with a great body since he always attempts to jog. Haiz. I pity all those who were sadly mislead by this evil animal. Often enough, I pity myself for knowing this animal personally. Imagine all the lame jokes and annoying conversations I have to go through.

Past life : Since Barney can't stress enough his colour, I'm guessing he was significantly short-changed of purple in his past life. We know the opposite of purple is green so Barney must been something green and irritating. Therefore, I conclude that Barney was a patch of algae in a very dirty toilet. Ain't algae green, gross and extremely irritating to clean (when they grow in your toilet)? There, you have it.

See? Algae is gross and irritating

Green Ogre

Traits : Sometimes angry, sometimes moody, sometimes melancholic. Gets excited by things that doesn't excite other people. His blog is of a rather different tune compared to conventional blogs and appeals to readers who are possibly as weird as him. But he is straightforward and honest and portrays himself as the bastard that he is. Something that, oddly, earns my respect. If you follow ogre's blog, you would know that he is very sexually driven and more often or not, deprived of sex.

Past life : Given how angry sometimes this ogre can be, I'm guessing he must have been pissed off pretty often. Which is why I think he was a toilet bowl in a male public toilet in China. Imagine getting sat on by the male population and having to face all kinds of shit in life (literally). On good days, the "customers" flush away their by-products. On bad days, the entire bowl is so filled with shit that it becomes almost impossible to flush. (I suspect that it's the ogre's way of rebelling when the flush malfunctioned). So dear all, take pity on him. He's after all, had a bad past life.

(Also, I also suspect that orgre and Barney knew each other in their past lives given where they came from).

Ogre on good days

Kenny Sia

Traits : I have been reading Kenny's blog more often and been visiting his archive. Very humourous and entertaining. His most distinctive feature though, is always taking photos with babes. Many of his blogs feature himself with girls, and more often or not, you'll see his hand over their shoulder(s). *lifts and eyebrow*. But his doing so just made him the public hated person by the male population in general. Also, Kenny features a lot of himself with very funny, odd, geeky and gross pictures.

Past life : Given how Kenny is often surrounded by gorgeous babes, I suspect that he was a gorgeous babe himself. But with the kind of sex drive that he possesses, he's likely to have been a babe with male hormones. So in short, he was a tranvestite.

Beautiful Kenny

The Big Fuck, now known as Rambo Tan

Traits : When he was The Big Fuck, he was constantly angry, often restless and rather sexually driven. But his entries were straightforward, direct and honest. Cos he was always scolding something or someone. Now as Rambo, his entries have somewhat mellowed down and he is not as angry anymore. It's better for his mental health, I guess.

Past Life : If not for the fact that he is no longer as angry, I am tempted to say that he had been a twin brother of green ogre in his past life. But after my analysis, given his excessive need to get into the pants of girls, I conclude that he was a laced panty of some random girl. Yeah, he juz can't get enough.

white undies Rambo


Traits : Random ramblings of his life - like a live journal. Timsum depicts himself as a goofy guy and do occassionally, find himself in comical situations. Absolutely crazy about balls (soccer) and utterly lazy (why: because he has not updated for more than a month). Likes to show off his phone by posting a lot of pics taken from his phone and is totally nuts about Fiona Xie.

Past Life : The name for this blog probably drives from a) his lack of dim sum because he came from a poor family (past life), b) he wanted to be a piece of dim sum to be enjoyed by all but he couldn't. So I'm guess Timsum was actually chilli sauce. Yeap, he could only be the side dish and not the main dish.

Tim, the chilli

Actually, I visit a lot more blogs everyday, but due to time constraints, i shall stop here. Will continue next time.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

History and Past Life

When I was young, my mom used to tell me I’m not her daughter. My mom, from the time she hit puberty, has been really beautiful. Big, round eyes with double eyelids, a somewhat sharp nose and a very sexy-shaped mouth and lips. She is relatively fair, and after a hot day in sun, turns reddish-brown which adds on to her beauty. Although she is vertically challenged, she measured 34-24-34 (cup C) during the prime of her life. Her tiny waist called attention to her curves which made her petite physique really dazzling.

Just this pic is enough to tell you my mom is gorgeous

During my teenage years, friends of my brother often commented that if they were ten years older, they would pursue my mom, a remark that my first boyfriend also made.

I, on the other hand, looked entirely different. I have big eyes with double eyelids too, but they were sadly hidden behind a set of frames. I don’t have a flat nose, but it’s certainly of no comparison to the one on my mom’s face. And somehow, my mouth seemed to have been torn off from a clown and stitched onto my face. I’ve never been blessed with a fair complexion since birth and instead of turning reddish-brown after an hour in the sun (like my mom), I just turned brown. Like turd. Which is disgusting.

Just like this colour

So in short, I looked hideous.

Due to the various compliments that my mom’s had since decades ago, she is naturally proud of her looks. Given how different we both look, you can’t blame her for having doubts. (By the way, I don’t resemble my dad too). Plus, she told me after she had given birth to me (that is, if she did indeed give birth to me), she didn’t manage to catch even a glimpse of me cos the nurse had carried me away. (I found out later that she actually didn’t ask to see me cos she was too exhausted. Of course, I don’t blame her). And when the nurse brought me back, she had a rather queer look on her face.

The nurse had a queer look on her face

At that time, baby switching was very common (and I wasn’t borned in Singapore). So as I grew older, my mom became a little bit more suspicious that I might have been a “switched” baby.

During my younger years, my complexion was extremely dark and thanks to a school rule whereby us girls were not allowed to keep long hair, coupled with a set of bookish specs, I looked completely like a dork. Which was so uncool.

Many had mistaken me for a Malay girl who possibly had ugly parents. As I matured though, my looks started to change. I no longer hide my eyes behind the frames and with a bigger face, my mouth doesn’t look as clownish as it did. My nose stayed the way it was somewhat, but it doesn’t go too badly with my face.

Just when I thought I looked more Chinese and more eye-catching, many people started commenting that I look like a Filipino. Some even commented that I resemble a Thai. And I still encountered situations where Malay folks spoke to me in Malay (assuming I belong to their race).

So I conclude, that I must have been a MAID in my past life.

This, but possibly less slutty and less blonde.

Not that all Malays or Filipinos are maids. But from History, most people are poor and so I reckon that I must have been a maid since I have this compulsion for tidiness and organization. And I must have been a good one, who might have possibly rescued her young baby master from a burning house that brought about good kharma for my present life. Considering that I was fortunate to be raised here even though I wasn’t borned here. And I would be considered luckier if I was indeed a “switched” baby. And I guessed I also earned good kharma points for myself, when I freed the dragonflies my brother caught, which resulted in daunting consequences of his wrath (during childhood), that I no longer looked like the girl that I once was. Thank God.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The Art of Horning

You know how sometimes you're driving on the road, and some dumb ass would suddenly cut into your lane (with or without warning) and disrupt the smooth cruising of your vehicle. You have to brake really hard to avoid bumming into the ass of the dumb ass vehicle. Such dumb ass drivers, are called the "hornees". Meaning they dim-wittedly execute dangerous acts of vehicle maneuvering which stirs up resentment in other driver(s) that leads to the horning of the car by the latter. The latter, ie. the drivers that horn at other motorists, are the "horners".

Now, what I have realised is, everyone who operates a motor vehicle is both a "hornee" and a "horner" at some points of our lives. You may, on one or more occassions, have made a dangerous turn or switch lanes without signalling. This is when you're a hornee. Your actions display a yearning to be horned by other motorists. Regardless of whether it's of a deliberate nature.

(Note to Ogre: You're a hornee. For sure.)

Therefore, in such situations, you deserved to get horned by the motorist that you had pissed off.

On the other hand, if you're pissed off by an asshole driver due to some inconsiderate actions, you have every right to sound your horn at him/her. And I believe most of us actually enjoy being horners. We get every opportunity to sound our horn when we can, to notify the other motorist(s) what jerks they are by doing what they did. And because we sound the horn, we get to be more arrogant cos the dumb ass in front juz did a dumb ass act that needed the warning.

(Note to Ogre: As much as you enjoy being the horner, you're still a hornee).

Now, there is etiquette to observe when horning. Horning without any rhyme or reason juz makes you an unreasonable horner. The below illustrates some of the situations in which many of us may face and how you should sound the horn:

1) The notorious hornee

These drivers switch lanes without warning and go zig-zag on the expressways cos they want to be faster than everyone else on the road. Such drivers requires excessive hornings to be reminded that they are hated by everyone else on the road and needs to fug off the expressways before they crash into the divider and jam up the expressway (due to eager on-lookers for the car plate number).

When met with such drivers, you should follow them as much as possible and sound your horn ALL THE TIME. They deserve it.

2) The act blur hornee

These drivers performed dangerous actions and when you want to glare at them at the traffic junction during the red light, they pretended that nothing happened and refused to look in your direction no matter what.

In this case, let them move off first, sound your horn one time for about two seconds then speed off. Preferably make a turn or something so that they can't do the same back to you. If you're feeling naughty, display your middle finger out of the window when horning.

A public display of emotion

3) The conceited hornee

The worst of the lot. Such drivers dash out from traffic junctions at the last milli-second of the amber light and risk colliding into oncoming traffic. When horned, they display a constipated look and gesture vulagarities.

The look on the lack of bowel movement + a possible vulgar hand gesture

When you meet such drivers, you should follow their car and ram into the back of their car. When they get out of their car to shriek at you, grab anything hard and beat the hell outta them. Make sure they bleed and cry for mercy.

Of course, if you choose to be more civil, you can horn for three seconds and flash your lights at them. Although I very much doubt the viability of this method to reduce the rage in you.

4) The senseless hornee

These motorists genuinely had no idea that they had acted dangerously. Such drivers just need a gentle warning. Flash your headlights. Horns not required.

Note : When driving, chances are you have no idea whether the hornee is actually senseless or not. As such, you should employ either of the three horning techniques as stated above juz in case they turn out to be any of these three. If they're genuinely senseless, it's juz not their day then.

I had the opportunity of being a horner today. Some bugger turned out from a small street into the main road that I was travelling on. I wouldn't have to sound my horn if that bugger had not taken his own sweet time to make the turn. Bugger. Wish I could beat the hell out of him.

Friday, November 18, 2005

On Public Humuliation...

According to Mediacorp, the "Idol" fever is back. In my humble opinion, it was never gone. After "Singapore Idol", there was "Superstar - 绝对SuperStar " by Channel U, with "Superhost - 超级主持人" and "Star Idol - 明星偶像" by Channel 8 up and coming. I am so goddamn sick of all these idol and superstar shows. There is not one day when I can turn on the TV and not see a publicity ad for one of these shows.

These people who eagerly sign up for these shows .... what are they after? Forget those who make it to Top Ten and get to go on national TV to compete. What about those who don't? Has anyone seen the commercial for Superhost? I don't know if the word, "Pathetic" or "Contemptible" is more appropriate to describe the participants. But they sure make me feel better about myself.

Why? Why do people want to publicly humuliate themselves? Hey, it's a totally different thing when I tell people what a sweet, beautiful and amazing person that I am on my blog. It's MY blog and I don't put up nauseating pics of myself to disgust my readers. I'm sure everyone thinks they sound like Jacky Cheung or Stephanie Sun in the shower, but to want to tell people what a fantastic "singer", "host" or "star" you are in public, when you simply cannot make it is ..... repulsive. You be lucky if you don't end up with stab wounds when you get home at night.

Now, many Singaporeans have gone crazy for stardom and I bet the rejects for one star show will sign up for the other star shows (and be rejected again, of course). If your purpose is money, bear in mind we don't produce a lot of Kit Chans or Fann Wongs here. You're better off trying your luck at the Singapore Turf Club.

These star shows have annoyed me greatly and I have chosen to ignore them. That is, until I saw Mediacorp's ad for "School Superstar - 校园SuperStar".

We've got enough idling early twenties (or maybe thirties) who scrambled for every opportunity to achieve fame. Now, our secondary school teenages are being lured into the "wonderful world of stardom" when they should be enjoying themselves in school (which is one of the best times of your life). To make things worse, it was a criteria that interested applicants go for the interview in their school uniform.

It's like Japanese porn. Which is totally sick. I bet if this show is aired in Japan, our number of inbound tourists will increase dramatically.

I don't like the influence of our media on our people. If I have a choice, I don't ever wanna raise kids here. Either that, or no TV in my home.

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Subaru Team Challenge

These two guys I happened to know signed up for the Subaru Team Challenge. A few of us went down to Ngee Ann City on the first night to show our support. There were still a lot of challengers then who were still going strong. It really was an eye-opener, particularly if you have friends who were also part of the competition. Jo, one of those whom we're supporting was still dancing mildly to the rthym of the music when we got there. Tim, seemed rather restless, as he kept fidgeting while he squatted or spread his legs or juz standing.

Anyway, after an hour of standing there to support them, Gabby and I felt tired and thirsty and we decided to visit the nearby 7-11 to get some sinful ice-cream. Some evil thoughts entered our mind (it muz be due to heat) and we thought we could assist Tim and Jo by slurpping very icy and delicious slurppy in front of other contestants. So we purchase our cold drinks (we didn't get slurppy in the end) and proceeded towards the rest of the contestants. But I guess we were afraid that we might get beaten up by other contestants' supporters so we didn't proceed as planned. (Wuss, I know).

The next day, in an attempt to show our support, Wen came over to my place and we drew up a "poster" to motivate both Tim and Jo. Details of the poster are as follows:

= > $59K cash
= OUR Europe trip (Wen wanted the word, "OUR", becos he obviously wanted Tim to sponsor him for the trip if the latter won)
= long term solution to all your parking fines (Tim had been getting quite a number of parking fines recently. One word - SUAY)
= wedding package (both of them had to get married some day. Might as well earn the $$ now)
= many visits to Old Trafford (for the Man Utd supporter) and St. James Park (for the Newcastle supporter)
= Wen's GTO and Tim's Lexus in Houston (obviously, Wen was listing his own incentive if Tim had won. Yeah, he's not that good a friend actually)
= 700 days of No Pay Leave

There were some more but I can't really remember. Apparently, our poster did catch some attention and I think it sort of went on national TV (with Wen hiding behind it).

On the last day, however, the guys were eliminated cos Jo was struck by heatstroke and fainted. But we were all still very proud of the boyz cos they made it to Top 10.

After the challenge ended, a few of us discussed the event and thought of the different ways to eliminate your competitor if you decide to take part next year:

1. Eat lots of onions / durians before the challenge start
So that you can proceed to release foul gas to stink the hell out of your neighbours to force them to quit

2. Pretend to be a lunatic
You can pretend to chew your own arm or stare at your neighbour all the time or juz keep laughing non-stop.

Actually we've only thought of the above two ways. (yeah, we're not that productive).

I've heard quite a number of interesting stories of people who started hallucinating after two days of standing in the sun / pouring rain / without sleep. But, will leave that for next time.

Tim, if you're reading this, post an entry of the whole event in your blog, eh? Would love to read. Take care, by the way, and keep warm.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Nothing beats this ...
(dedicated to a special friend)

I had an amazing night. I felt really good, yet the good feel came with an unspeakable and a mildly exquisite pain. To the extent that i couldn't sleep until nearly 5 in the morning. Partly also because i had gotten something out of my chest. But i can't pen down what had happened. It's a secret. I like secrets. Sometimes it is the secrets one has in life that keeps one alive. And happy.

Can't understand what I'm saying? Check out the Korean movie, "Everybody has secrets".

To you who knows what I'm talking about:

Thank you for this feeling. And remember your promise: That you will always strive to be happy. It pains me to see a frown on your face.

p.s. Sorry for the lack of updates, but I have been busy playing and getting sick. Also because I've got no inspiration to write these days. It must be due to the soon leaving of a good friend.

p.p.s You people who think that this entry is about sex, please be reminded that Naughty by nature is not a porn site. There was no occurence of sexual event in the above incident.

Thank you :P

Thursday, November 03, 2005

How one thing can lead to another
I was out having late nite kopi with Mr M. and Green Ogre. We were discussing a lot of things and I brought up a recent horror movie that I wanted to watch. It's got something to do with exorcism and such. Then Ogre brought up this story (supposedly a true one) about how a particular girl was being possessed by twenty over spirits at one go. The thought of it is terrifying; imagine having twenty over people talking in you and taking control of what you do. Anyway, we discussed further and ....
Ogre : It's like your body's a magnet for spirits.
Me : How can that happen? How can anyone be so suay (unlucky)?
Ogre : I don't know. Ask Barney.
Both of us laughed heartily.
Mr M. didn't seemed to understand what we were talking about though. Then we proceeded to talk about how suay Barney is and how he seems to be the only person that can get his computer striked by lightning, twice.
For those of you who are interested to know the series of unfortunate events that Barney went through, juz click on my first link.
Barney, if u are reading this, don't get too mad. After all, I'm doing free advertising for you =)