The Art of Horning

You know how sometimes you're driving on the road, and some dumb ass would suddenly cut into your lane (with or without warning) and disrupt the smooth cruising of your vehicle. You have to brake really hard to avoid bumming into the ass of the dumb ass vehicle. Such dumb ass drivers, are called the "hornees". Meaning they dim-wittedly execute dangerous acts of vehicle maneuvering which stirs up resentment in other driver(s) that leads to the horning of the car by the latter. The latter, ie. the drivers that horn at other motorists, are the "horners".

Now, what I have realised is, everyone who operates a motor vehicle is both a "hornee" and a "horner" at some points of our lives. You may, on one or more occassions, have made a dangerous turn or switch lanes without signalling. This is when you're a hornee. Your actions display a yearning to be horned by other motorists. Regardless of whether it's of a deliberate nature.

(Note to Ogre: You're a hornee. For sure.)

Therefore, in such situations, you deserved to get horned by the motorist that you had pissed off.

On the other hand, if you're pissed off by an asshole driver due to some inconsiderate actions, you have every right to sound your horn at him/her. And I believe most of us actually enjoy being horners. We get every opportunity to sound our horn when we can, to notify the other motorist(s) what jerks they are by doing what they did. And because we sound the horn, we get to be more arrogant cos the dumb ass in front juz did a dumb ass act that needed the warning.

(Note to Ogre: As much as you enjoy being the horner, you're still a hornee).

Now, there is etiquette to observe when horning. Horning without any rhyme or reason juz makes you an unreasonable horner. The below illustrates some of the situations in which many of us may face and how you should sound the horn:

1) The notorious hornee

These drivers switch lanes without warning and go zig-zag on the expressways cos they want to be faster than everyone else on the road. Such drivers requires excessive hornings to be reminded that they are hated by everyone else on the road and needs to fug off the expressways before they crash into the divider and jam up the expressway (due to eager on-lookers for the car plate number).

When met with such drivers, you should follow them as much as possible and sound your horn ALL THE TIME. They deserve it.

2) The act blur hornee

These drivers performed dangerous actions and when you want to glare at them at the traffic junction during the red light, they pretended that nothing happened and refused to look in your direction no matter what.

In this case, let them move off first, sound your horn one time for about two seconds then speed off. Preferably make a turn or something so that they can't do the same back to you. If you're feeling naughty, display your middle finger out of the window when horning.

A public display of emotion

3) The conceited hornee

The worst of the lot. Such drivers dash out from traffic junctions at the last milli-second of the amber light and risk colliding into oncoming traffic. When horned, they display a constipated look and gesture vulagarities.


The look on the lack of bowel movement + a possible vulgar hand gesture


When you meet such drivers, you should follow their car and ram into the back of their car. When they get out of their car to shriek at you, grab anything hard and beat the hell outta them. Make sure they bleed and cry for mercy.

Of course, if you choose to be more civil, you can horn for three seconds and flash your lights at them. Although I very much doubt the viability of this method to reduce the rage in you.

4) The senseless hornee

These motorists genuinely had no idea that they had acted dangerously. Such drivers just need a gentle warning. Flash your headlights. Horns not required.

Note : When driving, chances are you have no idea whether the hornee is actually senseless or not. As such, you should employ either of the three horning techniques as stated above juz in case they turn out to be any of these three. If they're genuinely senseless, it's juz not their day then.

I had the opportunity of being a horner today. Some bugger turned out from a small street into the main road that I was travelling on. I wouldn't have to sound my horn if that bugger had not taken his own sweet time to make the turn. Bugger. Wish I could beat the hell out of him.