Why do zodiac readings always tell you what a good person you are?

Even when such readings point out your atrocious personality traits, they tend to phrase it in a much, much nicer way. For example, if you are a self-centred asshole who has no regards for other people’s opinion, zodiac readings will say that you have a mind of your own and are not easily influenced by other people.

Are the people who write zodiac readings juz after the readership? If so, shouldn’t zodiac readings be mean, sarcastic and yet truthful? At the very least, you will capture attention. Good or bad, doesn’t matter.

As such, I decided to post an entry on zodiac signs: characteristics, habits, lifestyle, possible choice of career, etc. Do note that this post is entirely fictional and based on my own screwed up imagination. It does not necessary mean you ARE what is written. Although you could be.

p.s. Those of you who think I am writing about you, maybe I really am. Maybe not.


Capricorn

You are totally sex-crazed and can be a total asshole at times. If you are a guy, you ejaculate onto your partner’s face during sex so as not to dirty your floor or curtains. What a bastard. But you are extremely creative so you may well come up with different versions of the kharma sutra for different races / religions / colour / sizes.

Your friends tell you that you are funny and charming but actually they think you’re a scum/bitch.

Possible career choice : Pimp. Sex author.


Aquarius

You are self-centred and takes too much pity on yourself, which you don’t deserve. Aquarians tend to be very creative and likes adventure. If you are an Aquarian, you must have had sex in the car with the windows down, given/received blow jobs in the toilets of restaurants, slept with your best friend’s husband/wife or enjoyed orgies.

You are a whore and you know it.

Consider pole dancing or being an escort for a career. You will do well and be fuggin’ rich.


Pisces

You are extremely lazy and only want to do sit in front of the TV and smoke pot the whole day. Even when you want to f*ck, your partner must get on top of you without blocking the TV. The most you have moved is your tongue when kissing, which is already considered a lot of work.

Most people from this zodiac sign die from rotting.

Career: Try reality TV – the laziest person in the world. You may beat the others of your kind.


Aries

Huge ego, self-opinionated and arrogant. Yes, that’s what you are. You think too highly of yourself but in actual fact, you are a dumb ass. You know shit about nothing but you pretend that you do. You think of yourself as the best lay in the world although your partner does not agree. You also have a high libido and likes to have a lot of sex even though your partner may already be swelling from all the non-stop sex. F*cker.

You should be a prostitute whether you’re a guy or a girl. Doesn’t matter cos most Arieans are murdered.


Taurus

The most hardworking of the whole lot. But stupidly so. You are constantly being short-changed but do not know it. You work your whole life away just to come home and realize that your wife/husband is sleeping with your boss. You solve problems at work but your boss/colleagues claim(s) the credit.

If you don’t get a life soon, you should juz die.

Career options including washing cars, construction worker and rubbish collector.


Gemini

Two-headed snakes. If you’re a guy, you sleep with your girlfriend's mother. If you’re a girl, you’ve given blow jobs to your partner’s grandfather(s). Geminis are extremely crafty and thrive on incest.

You think you get a lot of respect from other people but your friends think you’re a pretentious and hypocritical bastard/whore.

Geminis are usually lawyers, accountants or mother/father-f*ckers.

Cancer

Cancerians are the most timid of the lot. Most Cancerians fear the dark and sleep with their mother on the same bed until they get married.

You are a total wuss and have no control over your life. You don’t even stand up for yourself when a kid spits on your face. Which also means that you have absolutely no dignity.

Cancerians are better off dead.

P.s. Cancerians usually commit suicide.


Leo

You are pig-headed and always too smart for your own good. Also known as smart alecks. Most Leos strive to be leaders so they don’t mind unscrupulous or under-the-table transactions to get what they want. But Leos are known to give good oral sex to make up for their lack of equipped body parts.

Leos are not good in managing their lives and end up screwing themselves. Generally, 98% of Leos will end up in mental institutions. The other 2% escape from mental institutions.

Good career options include bus drivers, hawkers or telephone operator.


Virgo

Extremely critical and expects too much from other people. You think too highly of yourself and want a lot of attention. To the extent of crying or stripping in public. Most Virgos have small brains and so, are very stupid. But Virgos enjoy acting smart not knowing they appear more stupid than they really are.

Virgos also have high libido and think of sex almost every minute of the day. They are likely to have affairs with colleagues and bosses.

Possible career options: Stripper

Libra

All Librarians are retards. If you are a Librarian and can still understand this message, you must have had a brain transplant before. Otherwise, you’re just pretending that you can understand.

Most Librarians die from drowning either in the bath tub or fish tank.

Possible career option: None


Scorpio

You are an utter loser although you choose to deny it. You crack lame jokes in an attempt to make yourself more popular and spice up your own life. Scorpios are extremely stingy and refuse to pay for sex. Therefore, you f*ck your own teddy bear (or the other way round, if you’re a girl).

Most Scorpios are either ugly or gay, or both.

Career options include bus conductor, ushers, pimps.


Sagittarius

You think of yourself as Aunt Agony and always want to lend a listening ear. In actual fact, you’re a real gossip and go around spreading the secrets that your friend told you in confidence.

You like to make the most out of your money and is well-known for getting good bargains. But you also go to the extent of cheating on your friends and loved ones. A total asshole.

Consider a help hotline as a career.

So, which zodiac sign do you belong to?