Take care of yourselves, ladies

I was surfing the net looking for male strippers online and I came across this website - http://stripper-faq.org. What sparked off as a mere curiosity (on how to be a stripper) ended with some enlightenment on women's safety. The writer was an exotic dancer in some club in the U.S. and she was giving tips on the Do's and Don'ts of being a professional stripper. When it came to the section on "Safety", she mentioned this:

The six dumbest words that can leave a woman's mouth are "I can take care of myself".

She said this because there is no way a girl can outbeat a guy given the unequal strength that each gender possesses. A grown man will most likely be able to knock a woman unconscious with a punch. And while it's good to want to "take care of yourself", a girl who bears such a thought will undermine danger and invite unwanted attention.

The twist in her safety's advise is NOT to carry weapons or take self-defence classes. Her rationale? "The most effective way to survive is to be scared; anything that makes you brave makes you more likely to walk into a dangerous situation. "

Isn't this so true? Having taken kick-boxing lessons before, I often visualise how I would demonstrate Jet Li's "no-shadow kick" when faced with an attacker (not that kick-boxing teaches this but well, it's juz one of my fantasies). But the truth is, I would probably be scared shitless if I'm about to be attacked and my limbs will be too shocked to react.

In addition, if you want to carry a gun, you ought to be comfortable with the idea of killing someone. If not, don't bother at all. It sounds kinda twisted, but hey, it makes a lot of sense to me. For a start, most girls have too much trash in their purses or handbags that it makes searching for the gun a chore. You may as well juz use your hand and point it like a gun, which hopefully the attacker might get freaked, that you're actually a freak. Secondly, unless girls are so fuggin' angry (e.g. the attacker laughed at how small her breasts are), they wouldn't dare to pull the trigger at someone.

I know the last paragraph doesn't apply to us living in Singapore. Carrying a gun is illegal and i think most of us gotta admit, safety is being taken for granted. Just because our streets are mostly brightly lit and we have 24-hour coffeeshops all over the place doesn't mean that you will not be a target for crime. So I brain-stormed and thought of some ways to ward off attackers:

1) When you're on your way home alone at night, start talking to yourself the minute you get off the cab. Squeak or growl occassionally. If you're not carrying too much things, fling your hands about (be careful not to hit the ah-mah or ah-gong who may be nearby). If you're in the mood, pretend that you're an aeroplane or a kangaroo. I doubt most attackers want to attack crazy women.

2) Wet your hair (if you can) and throw all your hair in front of your face so that you'll look like the creepy girl from The Ring. To make this act more realistic, you can proceed to crawl towards the lift or stairs and crawl all the way home. Let's face it: No matter how desperate a male is, he wouldn't want to screw the pissed off girl who had been trapped in a well for god knows how many years.

3) Wear many layers of clothes so that you look like a "bak-chang" (dumpling). Attackers hate wasting time and they wouldn't want to have to peel you like an onion.

4) Start preaching about your religion once you see anyone nearby. You can talk about God, Allah, Goddess of Mercy, the monkey God, or even Mother Nature (if you're a Wiccan). I don't know why, but it seems that most people like to avoid preachers.

5) Do not shave your armpits (and down there) so that you smell really bad. So bad that even plants die and rats cry when you are nearby. But this may backfire if the attacker smells really bad himself and is attracted to your "scent".

6) Carry a cross or a plum wood sword and muttered "chants" so that you can pretend to be exorcising evil spirits. The supernatural is something that most people don't want to come into contact with.

7) One of the most effective methods: Dash all the way home once you get off your transport. Without looking back. And without stopping. Take the stairs even if you live on the 23rd floor. Just make sure you do not stop. To aid yourself in the running, you can try not peeing 3 hours before hand so that by the time you get home, your bladder is almost bursting and you'll have no choice but to run. And chances are, you may outrun your attacker. Worse come to worse, if you're still caught by an attacker, you can pee in his presence and try to smear his face with your pee. It's gross, I know. But weigh your priorities: chastity or hygiene?

It's now 2.05am. I have been blogging late into the nights and getting so fuggin' little sleep that I now look like a bloody zombie. I think this alone,may be able to scare off potential attackers.

Take care of yourself, ladies. And goodnight.