My Life as 007

Having some time, I searched through Blogger looking for some interesting blogs to read. Then I noticed a lot of bloggers enjoy blogging about their life. Their daily life, that is. The thing is, unless you are Tom Cruise in MI or Batman, your daily life is just plain boring. I mean, most readers are not interested in how your breath smells or how many abdominal crunches you do a day. Unless you post nude pics of yourself while exercising so that we can ridicule you.

Don't get me wrong. My life is just as boring. I don't get up from my bed in the morning to save the world from destruction or to take down the villain that is creating this virus that will kill half the people on this globe.

The villain

Which is why I'm sick of having nothing interesting in my life to blog about. Sometimes I wish I am 007 or something so that I can blog about what a fantastic life I have.

Make-believe Diary of a phony 007

9.30am
Woke up with a brunette on my arm. What's new? I wake up with gals on my arms every single freaking day. Because i am damn gorgeous and fucking rich. Glad I picked a brunette last night, and not a blonde. Blondes give better heads but brunettes have bigger breasts. Yeah, I like my hands full.

10.00am
Went for brunch at the cafe. Did I mention that I'm staying in the presidential suite in a 9-star hotel? Yes, I stay there everyday. It's my home. Why? Because I'm 007 and fucking rich and goddamn good-looking.

11.00am
Went to see the president of Lulu Island. Drove there in my brand new BMW. Just in case you don't realise, 007 gets all the gorgeous babes and the fancy cars. I didn't have to stop as I pass through the gate as I have a device in my car that will transmit all the details of myself and my passengers to the car room. I designed this device myself. I know, i am just brilliant.

The president told me that a baddie had stolen the ring which his mama gave him. It was a family heirloom and is worth millions of dollars in the black market. He could trust no one, but me, to retrieve the ring for him. I stroke the remaining hair on his balding head and gave him my assurance that i would bring the ring back. By now, of course, I already have my super dynamic gun in my car boot. And of course, my computer in the car has ready all the information including the location, race, foot size and natural colour of the hair of the baddie.

12.30pm
I'm at your average five-star hotel. The kind that doesn't even have sauna facilities in your own suite. Disgusting.

An Asian girl walked past me and fainted. It must be my natural scent. I smell damn good becos' I am 007. Mind you, I don't even use cologne. I juz don't bathe for 3 days.

The baddie's girlfriend is staying in one of the rooms on the 5th floor. If you have to stay on the lower floors of a five-star hotel, you're obviously poor. I mean, I stay on a floor so high that I can get a good view of the Pacific Ocean. Then again, I'm 007 and most people can't compare themselves to me.

Door opened. Wow, she looks good.

Are you trying to seduce me?

The device in my watch started scanning the girl giving me full details of her race, cup size, eating habits, primary school, her college results, favourite position on bed, etc. I stepped into the room, but before I can open my mouth, she started kissing me. Being irresistible - I'm used to it.

After a good romping in the balcony, on the dresser, in the bath tub and a quickie along the corridor, girl told me the whereabouts of baddie. She couldn't bear for me to leave cos I am so amazing on bed but I told her I had serious matters to attend to. I thought of going back for her tonight but I'm a little concerned about the lump in her throat. It makes her look a little weird.

3.30pm
I left the hotel hurridly. Must catch baddie soon so that I won't miss The Simpsons at 6'o clock.

4.30pm
Arrived at a construction site. Went up to the 10th floor and saw baddie taking his afternoon nap. I shouted at him to wake him up. Didn't want to sneak up on him because being sneaky makes me nervous and when i'm nervous, i fart uncontrollably. Although my fart is not as stinky as normal people (because I'm 007 and it's awesome) I still do not enjoy farting in public.

We exchanged blows and I gave him a hard punch on his face which broke his lower jaw. After which, I delivered a shadowless flying kick and sent him flying out of the window. Having a license to kill, I'm not worried at all about baddie dying (after all, they always die at the end of the movie) but the ring that was still in his pocket. As I am, in nature, brave and heroic, I jumped right after him, caught hold of baddie, took the ring out of his pocket and put it in my pocket while we're falling down.

Now, don't worry, because I am 007 and I will never die. Somehow, I managed to catch hold of a pole stick out of the building while the baddie plunged to his death. I climbed in and realised that my long lost godsister, Michelle, had followed me to the construction site (cos' she was bleedin' in luv with me and was stalking me all this time) and had saved my life.

I gave Michelle a big hug and kissed her on the lips. We proceeded to make out on the dirty floor.

6.00pm
Home, in time for Simpsons. Bart Simpson is so farnie. Haha.

7.00pm
Had dinner with Michelle in my fabulous presidential suite.

9.00pm
We had sex everywhere. I am a sex-god because I am 007, which is also witty, sexy and bloody good-looking.

11.00pm
Knock on the door. It was baddie's girl. She wanted me so badly. Why wouldn't she? I'm strikingly handsome. So we had a three-some.

12.30am
Went to bed. Life is damn bloody good.

The end.