Saturday, July 29, 2006

It's a wonderful Life


When I was young, my parents were always fighting. Not only did it involved the yelling of vulgarities, there was often throwing of cups and such, that woke my bro and I in the middle of the night. They had an unhappy marriage.

In primary school, I was a very quiet student. I didn’t have that many friends, and those whom I claimed as friends, sometimes made use of me and didn’t treat me very well.

When I went to secondary school, I decided to speak up a little more but I still had a lot of problems with friends. I was in the school band, and being a very weak player, I was often looked down by certain seniors. Some of them were sarcastic, some of them didn’t bother teaching me totally. But there were a few that were nice and encouraging.

I didn’t do that well for my ‘O’ Levels. At least, my grades weren’t good enough to get me into the course that I wanted in TP. So I started working and re-took my ‘O’s as a private candidate. In terms of time, I wasted one year.

I started seeing a guy 9 years older than me when I was 16, and stuck with him for 7 years. He was controlling and possessive and restricted my movements almost totally.

When I was in poly, I didn’t do my best all the time. I skipped many lectures and tutorials as allowed but I put in my best for the exams.

I didn’t allow myself to slack when I got into uni. Apart from the exorbitant school fees, I finally understood the value of studying.

My father passed away last year. It was a very painful experience.

After graduation, I was switching jobs every year. Somehow the companies that I wanted to work for never hired me.


When I look back into my life, I wonder if there were regrets. I wonder if things would have been different and would I have want it that way.

A friend that knows me quite well told me that I had a harsh childhood. But it was my childhood that made me the person I am today. It was my parents’ constant fighting that made me a stronger person. I had to be strong for my mom and my bro. I learnt that this is not the kind of marriage that I want.

Because I was a teenager suffering from great inferiority complex, I could never do as well as I wanted. But growing out of it made me see the value in myself. No longer do I want to be looked down upon.

I ‘wasted’one year in re-taking my ‘O’s. Actually, it wasn’t a waste. Despite a junior position in a foreign bank, I learnt a great deal and made very good friends. Besides, I did do better the second time, and I realized that all along, my problem was not being able to concentrate fully while studying. If I hadn't spent one more year taking the cambridge exams, I wouldn’t have gotten into the course of my choice and met some wonderful people that I still claim as friends up till today.

No regrets for not attending lectures and tutorials religiously. Fun took place outside school anyway, and I had great company. When I think back, I don’t think fulfilling a 100% attendance would have made me learnt more. Great friendships were bonded during the times outside school, at the local kopitiam, at the arcade or just at another classmate’s house.

Despite his controlling, my first love taught me a lot of things. I wouldn't be the person that I am today without him. I thank him for that.

During my uni days, I was wondering if I should have dropped out halfway cos I was too homesick and my relationship with my then BF was on the rocks. Up till now, I do not regret my decision. I stuck with it all the way, and the knowledge I have gained will now stick to me for life. Even if I had dropped my studies, my relationship with then-BF wouldn’t have stayed unchanged.

The switching of jobs exposed me to certain things that I didn’t know. Weird as it sounds, but one year in each job was really enough. I learnt a great deal and made wonderful friends with each job. And now, I am finally going to work for a firm of my choice.

My only regret is not spending more time with my father. I kept reminding myself that I should, but somehow, I never got the chance to. May he rest in peace.

But my father’s death made me love my mother more. I don’t want to have any regrets when it is her time. I have learnt my lesson.

I guess, sometimes, in life, we would look back now and then, and wonder if things will be different if you have made certain decisions better. If you like things the way they are now, probably it was best that you hadn’t made other decisions then. If you’re unhappy, then learnt from the past mistakes whatsoever, and make yourself happier from now on.

My life philosophy is to try and live simply and be happy. Reason for my constant smiling. Simple as it sounds, but it’s not easy.

Life is so short, just always try to be happy. It’s the only thing you can do for yourself.

16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think there will be regrets in everyone's life but what is impt is not to let those regrets hold u back but to motivate u ;)

2:53 PM  
Blogger Sunflower said...

Wait before I comment, I want to scold ppl first.

Happy office boy = sibei sian, you really sibei bo liao.... !@#$%^&*()


My life philosophy is to try and live simply and be happy. Reason for my constant smiling. Simple as it sounds, but it’s not easy.

I agree with this philosophy.

My life is full of hurdles too. I came from a family full of violence. Since when I am a little one, I saw my dad, hit my mum till I married. (I never see it anymore but my dad still hit her till he is paralysed) I really cannot do anything to resuce my mum, it a forever pain for me.

I failed to obtain good result for my "O" level due to fall of relationshiop and I got to work full time and study part time till I got my ACCA.

Hehe of course there a lot of more stuffs about myself which I think I should stop here. :)

All the best to your marriage!

11:46 PM  
Blogger Zhe Bin said...

Hmm, everybody who has a past (a real past), blogs. Or I should say, almost every blogger we see online has a different kind of "past" which we don't usually see in our everyday life outside of the online world. Funny isn't it? Blogs are amazing stuff.

1:02 AM  
Blogger Jaschocolate said...

Thanks for the sharing of your life story. It is a great encouragement to all.

9:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What doesn't break you makes you stronger. :) It's encouraging to read your post. There are life lessons everywhere to be learnt, in bad and good times.

Hey, it's been a truly wonderful life. Heh. =)

3:18 PM  
Blogger Sibeh Sian said...

Oh, I forgot to add this: I'll get a deluxe version of the Chinese Chess, just to cheer you up :)

Sunflower: I am Happy Bor Liao Office Boy :)

11:16 PM  
Blogger Sunflower said...

ya la sian, you are the lamest ppl in this blogsphere!

11:45 PM  
Blogger Adrenaline said...

gay office boy: No, tearing at weddings is ridiculous. If u tear at mine, i'll punch u rite after i get off my wedding gown.

lc: yes yes, which is why i decided to make my father's death a learning lesson to myself.

bittersweet: thanks. i think life's not abt the destination, but the journey.

sunflower: yah, u can scold him as much as u want on my comments page. i don't mind one.

i guess family violence is something that many of us had to deal with. It's not easy to grow out of; some of us never grew out of it, but it can change us in many ways. Hopefully for the better.

binny: yes yes, and im still waiting for your post on ur past. hehe ... =)

jaschocolate: no prob. Just want to let everyone know that every cloud has a silver lining.

freakkler: Yeap, it's a wonderful life, if u choose to see it that way =)

sbs: go eat shit lah.

sunflower: second that. without a doubt.

12:41 AM  
Blogger Green Ogre said...

You go! Girl!

Heh, I'd become embarrassed blogging about my past. Too many jian bu de guang thingies. :P

9:14 AM  
Blogger Adrenaline said...

ogre: blog leh. i would love to read.

gay boy: please lah. u're obviously gay.

1:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*Tearing while at training at 3.16am Singapore Time*

One of the best i heard. Thanks for posting this blog. Reminded me to smile more today. Thanks.

3:24 AM  
Blogger Adrenaline said...

platformshoes: yes, but maybe it is toking abt it that will make it less painful.

anonymous: glad it added a smile on you. YOu need it =)

1:47 PM  
Blogger Zhe Bin said...

I'm reading this again and I find that we are going in opposite direction leh. In terms of our past experiences. Or at least some of it.

I was a very noisy and talkative student. From primary school till my younger teenage years.

(Just the opposite of yours.)

My time in secondary school was best. Havoc and full of fun. Was very confident and full of 人缘.

I dropped out of school and had a turbulent, 'exciting' and life-changing 2 years.

Then, I started to distant myself from my then 'other' friends.

I came back to school and my morale, confidence and belief hit a new low. I felt alienated, uneasy and insecured. I thought I was different and nobody understands me. In fact I never let anybody. I put too much pressure on myself to perform well in every aspect of life.

I did pretty well, scoring A1s, but after that I hit a mild depression. Hahaha. I screwed my Os and entered a course not my choice in poly.

I hated IT and I failed Java twice and got kicked out. The rest you should know already.

Till now I haven't really grab a firm hold of my life yet. I still feel lost and inferior. There are times I can feel at ease with everything, but there are also times I think I should not devote myself into anything, for fear of getting 'burned'. Reason being, the process of picking myself up is tiring and something which I have been doing, and not succeeded in. Yet.

So now I am waiting for this phase to pass, and picking myself up in the process, and your "sieze the day" attitude is rubbing off on me. And I really want to thank you for that.

= )

9:02 PM  
Blogger bigbanana said...

you make me wanna come back home...

2:00 PM  
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9:35 AM  

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