What you ought to know

(Do not continue reading if you're below 18 and that means you, Yiks)

Dear Aunt Agony

My parents just told me they're getting a divorce. But I don't want them to be separated. What can I do?

Sad Boy


Dear Sad Boy

When parents get divorced, the one thing they're afraid of (apart from unfair allocation of assets and money) is their child getting hurt through this process. Because of this, they will shower more love and concern on you. Which means that you will be getting the right to asking for more allowances to make up for the trauma ==> richer

The halving of parental control also mean that you will be getting more freedom. Which means that you will get to hang out a lot more at malls or arcades after school, and maybe even playing traunt. If your parents scold you, you can turn the tables back on them saying they did this to you ==> justification of becoming a brat.

You should be getting ready to enjoy your life =)



Dear Aunt Agony

My boyfriend asked me to give him a blow job, but I refused. I'm afraid he would leave me. What should I do?

Non-blower


Dear Non-blower

If your reason for not wanting to give him a blow job, is because you think it's too dirty, juz go give it a wash. After that, you can take this chance to brush up on what I consider to be one of the most important skills in life.

I have no advice for moral-related reasons.



Dear Aunt Agony

I love playing with my girlfriend's tits. Wy do i love her tits so much?

Tits-lover


Dear Tits Lover

Because they're soft and squeezable, and becos you don't have them.



Dear Aunt Agony

How can I make my dick longer?

Short Dick


Dear Short Dick

You're getting it wrong. A long dick doesn't make any difference. A thick dick does.

From my experience, hornier guys have bigger dicks. So make yourself more horny and wank everyday. The movements will help you with size without incurring extra costs.



Dear Aunt Agony

I have exceptionally small breasts, but my boyfriend said size doesn't matter. Is that true?

Confused


Dear Confused

Of course not. He said that only to get you into bed. I bet he's sleeping with another girl now.



Dear Aunt Agony

My teacher is a very nice man. But he likes to touch me on my shoulders or my inner thighs, or accidentally slides his hand over my behind when he talks to me. Yesterday, he asked me to go over to his home so that he can give me more personalised tuition in a much more comfortable environment. What should I do?

Adrian


Dear Adrian

Congratulations. You now have a higher chance of scoring better in school and having your G-spot (situated inside your anus) stimulated. Most guys I know don't get such an opportunity. Go ahead to get that personalised tuition.



Dear Aunt Agony

Recently, a friend of mine was invited to watch a very expensive musical by a gorgeous babe. He is much uglier than me, while I also have a much bigger dick. Why do I not get such offers from gorgeous girls?

Pissed


Dear Pissed

You may have a bigger dick, but are you a dick in person? Remember that the bad guys get all the girls. Learn to be more stingy, inconsiderate, and mould yourself into an asshole (not literally). That way, you'll get all the girls no matter how you look.


Dear Aunt Agony

I've been feeling very miserable ever since I broke up with my boyfriend. I'm so hurt that I feel like dying. What should I do?

Depressed


Dear Depressed

Well, there are a lot of cures for this. Ecstasy pills or marijuana can help you. If you don't have the cash, try taking a lot of cough syrup.



Dear Aunt Agony

My mommy said that pre-marital sex will send me straight to hell. Is this true?

Choo Choo


Dear Choo Choo

If this is true, I would have gained permanent residency in hell. But I'm still here, ain't I?

By the way, you have an ugly name.



Aunt Agony runs the Q&A column in Pre-teens magazine.